Pok-er Face

The definition of a poker face: An impassive expression that hides one's true feelings (noun).

From my understanding to be a great poker player you must have a great poker face. Since becoming a mom in November of 2006 I have sadly watched Poker after Midnight during my many late night feedings. One thing I have noticed is some of the players wear sunglasses and none of them ever smile, they are all so serious. I always imagined if that was me with a great hand of cards there is no way I could hide a smile on my face. I even imagine myself standing up and doing a little dance knowing I beat the rest of them lol.

Since January 11th, 2010 my poker face hs gotten good. Just this week at work I had a moment brought on by the frustration I feel when I hear of someone taking their child for granted especially a baby. I broke down and I cried right at my desk because I miss my son and I wish I could hold him. As the tears started rolling down my face I looked up and saw someone walking in. I jumped up walked in the other room and got myself together walked backed out with a smile on my face with a cheery voice asked wht I could help them with. I have no idea if this person knew but they sure didn't sk if I was ok. I have so many moments like this where I hide my true feelings mainly because I don't want to make someone uncomfortable. Whenever someone asks how I'm doing I lie and say we are doing great! In all honesty considering we lost our son we are doing ok but you know we have bad days, horrific days and ok days. I think my hardest days come when I have flashbacks of the day he died which sadly happen more than I care to mention but if you saw me you would never guess.

In life I think we all put on our poker faces just to get through certain days. We are all fighting some sort of battle. No one ever promised life would be easy but how you handle those curveballs in life says more about you than you may realize. It would be so easy to give up somedays but I choose to continue moving forward for my kids. I want to set a good example for them and show them that its possible to make it through the difficulties in life one step at a time. I talk about Ashton quite often with Olivia and sometimes we even cry because we miss him and I pray that this will teach Olivia to always be honest with her emotions but to also not let difficulties in life bring you down. Remember your children model you and how you handle life.

The hardest working man I know

If you look up hard working in the dictionary I'm pretty sure you would find a picture of my husband. Zeb is the hardest working person I know and he never gives up. I sometimes wonder if the world is stacked against him because it just never seems he can get a break. When things seem to be going good look out because it will turn just as fast for him. I tell him all of the time how proud I am of him and how much I admire the love he has for farming.

I'm writing this post today for him because I support him in all of his crazy endeavors no matter how much I think they may be a bad idea I still support him because I love him. I wish I could help him more but with little ones at home its pretty much impossible. Last night or should I say this morning Zeb got home at 2:30am and shortly after he layed down, Tenley woke up. He didn't complain he just got up with her and fed her knowing that I had to get up at 4:00am. He is just so thoughtful and plus I think he wanted some cuddle time with her.

Yesterday Zeb was in a fantastic mood even though his one baler was clogged and he was crazy busy he was in a good mood because all in all things were going good. The other baler was running great and oh his first crop of hay was beautiful in his words. He was so proud of his first crop he said it was the best first crop he has ever had. I was so happy for him but in the back of my mind I thought man I hope things continue to go well for him. So he baled until 9:00pm last night then got back to the farm and started fixing his other baler not knowing there was rain coming. He worked on it until 2:30 this morning never giving up. Well as I walked into work this morning I thought is that thunder I hear please God don't let that be thunder because I knew that the best crop of hay he has ever had was still out in the field because Zeb did not have time to pick it up. As I heard the rain drops falling I felt as if I was about to shed a few tears myself because I knew that it would break my husbands heart. I called Zeb and before he even said anything I told him I was so sorry about his hay. You could tell in his voice that he just wanted to give up. I have heard this tone in Zeb so many times but I know he will pull through and he will keep plugging away at his big dreams. Then my husband said "You know sweetie this morning as I was stressing over the hay that was not picked up and the hay that was raked I looked down at Tenley and she was smiling and it just made my day." What a great father!

When I met Zeb 8 years ago I had no idea what was in store for me. I had no idea that we would lose a child, I had no idea that farming was so stressful lol and I had no idea how much more I would fall in love with him everyday. He is truely an amazing man. I wish he could spend more time with us but the time we do spend together is quality time and we appreciate every moment. And I'm sure once the kids are a little bigger and able to drive tractors that we will all be out there with him helping him out as much as we can just so we can spend the time with him and so that we can as a family support him because this is what family does you support each other on the good days and the bad but you always know you can count on each other.

This post is for Zeb and hoping it makes his day today a little less stressful knowing he has a wife that is absolutely madly in love with him good days and bad and that even though I get mad sometimes because I don't see him a real lot I am so absolutely proud of him for everything he does. Even though it may seem like everyone else is stacked against you Zeb I want you to know I'm not and even if you don't feel you are succesful you are because your success is not measured by how many acres you have it or how good your hay may be it is measured by how many people you make happy and you have three lovely ladies at home that you make very happy and one handsome little boy in heaven that looks down on you everyday smiling knowing that you are successful as a father and a husband. Love you!

The Great Weight Debate

While driving to Weight Watchers last night I tried to think of every excuse to just turn around...Its raining outside, my husband is home and I should be having dinner with my family, I'm tired, etc. But I kept driving, I knew I had to hold myself accountable for the bottle of wine I drank and the nachos I ate. Why does losing weight have to be so hard? I remember when I was younger, before I met Zeb, I could eat anything and everything and I just stayed the same. Its seems as if the night Zeb asked me to marry him I packed on 40 pounds. I like to blame it on him, well I did have to cook him dinner every night and he was always taking me out for these fabulous meals when we were dating. The problem is there is no one to blame but myself for putting this weight on. I could have skipped that second serving of nachos, though it was more like 2 servings per trip but they are the ones who put those big containers out to pile the chips and cheese on. I could have also skipped that second glass of wine or the third or fourth, but I really did not want that bottle to go to waste. Excuses, excuses. There is always an excuse.

As I was about to step on that scale I looked at the leader and asked if she could take off about a half pound because I soaken wet from the rain. She laughed and said you are not the first person to ask me that. So I stepped on and held my breath praying that the scale at home was off by at least a pound. She said .6, not bad! I smiled thinking, I lost .6 but as I looked down at that dreaded number I realized I had gained .6. What???? One bad night and I gained weight. What about the 4+ miles I walk 5 days a week? What about the other 6 days I felt like I was starving myself? What about, oh thats right on Sunday I went to a birthday party and accepted that moist piece of cake and when they asked if I wanted ice cream my response "well you can't have cake without ice cream!" Ugh!

So I walked to my seat and opened a bag of Weight Watchers BBQ crisps thinking about all of the excuses I could use as to why I gained weight. I also thought about what I could possibly do different this week so I could lose and get to my 15 pounds of weight lost because I really want that manicure and pedicure I promised myself when I lost 15 pounds. The leader came to the front of the room and said "What would you say if I said there is this magic pill I can tell you about that offers weight loss, health benefits and numerous other things?" Someone responded "What are the side affects?" I thought who cares! Sign me up I'm in I don't care what the side affects are, I don't care what it costs, I want that pill! The leader finally said "It's activity!" What? Ugh but thats so hard! So then we started talking about excuses as to why we can't get our activity in. I'm too tired, I have too much to do at home, I don't have time, I knee hurts, my back hurts, I want to just lay on the couch and eat a package of oreos! More excuses.

Not everyone struggles with their weight and I'm envious I mean come on who doesn't want to just eat whatever they want. On this journey I have had so many negative comments said to me. "You obsess too much over your weight!" "I just want to enjoy my life and not worry about what I eat!" So on and so forth. My response is when I was 25 pounds lighter than I am right now I felt terrific! I had energy, I was confident, I just felt great. So if it means that I have to give up that bowl of ice cream well so be it because that bowl of ice cream lasts for just a few minutes or seconds depending on how fast I devour it, but feeling good can last a lifetime.

AM I NORMAL?

The other day I was talking to someone and they made the comment that someone else was a little different. I laughed and said we are all a little different. This conversation made me question myself. Am I normal? Has anyone ever said this about me? I'm sure they have but why?

This past week I went back to work after a wonderful 12 weeks off with my beautiful baby girl. I was terrified about leaving her but my mom was generous enough to take the week off and spoil her. Each day on my way home from work I would call my mom because I thought that maybe if something was wrong it might be easier to hear it over the phone rather than walking in on it. Is this normal? Each morning I stand over Tenley's craddle to make sure she is breathing then I thank the Lord for another day with her and beg to let her live. Is this normal? Yesterday I bought her a 4th of July outfit and when I was checking questioned whether I should buy it because if something happens to her I will remember I bought that outfit for the 4th and the 4th of July will be a little harder knowing that. Is this normal? Today at 3 pm she will outlive Ashton. Is it normal that I almost figured it out to the second?

Grief is a crazy thing. When someone goes through grief their life changes forever. There is no timeline there is no 12 step plan. You will have to live with it forever, it will never go away. Sounds exhausting doesn't it. Well I can reassure you yes it is exhausting but some days not so much and so days a whole lot. There are days when I think about January 11th, 2010 I get physically ill just like that day. I actually feel like I'm reliving that day all over again. Is this normal?

I can tell you right now I'm not normal. So if you want to tell someone else that I'm a little different thats ok because I am. But I kind of like me that way I am. Just think about it. We all start out like a big clump of clay then as we start growing the Lord starts shaping us into a fine piece of pottery. Each day we change a little more into a masterpiece. Some things shape you a little more than others but in the end you are a true piece of art.

Our "Rainbow Baby"

I will never forget someone telling me it was a bad idea to have another child so soon after losing our son. Actually I will never forget all the people who said that to me. A few of these comments actually came from grieving parents which surprised me. I thought if anyone understood why I wanted another baby so badly they would. There were times when Zeb and I felt so alone in this need to hold another baby of our own.

Why did we want another baby when it was hard to even look at a baby after losing Ashton? Our arms were so unbelievably empty. They physically hurt at times because we could no longer hold our son. Zeb and I felt that having another baby would bring back just an ounce of happiness that we lost the day Ashton died. Maybe another baby would bring a real smile to our faces again. Maybe just maybe we could feel like a family again.

The day we found out we were pregnant again we were instantly happy, sad, scared and unsure if this was the right thing to do. Actually throughout my entire pregnancay I wondered if this was the right thing for us to do. This may shock some people that I'm being so honest about this but an amazing woman told me that my honesty is what makes me such an amazing mother. Whether or not that is true I don't know but it makes me feel better when I'm doubting the decisions I have made.

So back to our "Rainbow Baby." Zeb and I decided to keep the pregnancy a secret until well I just couldn't hide it anymore. I stuck to big sweatshirts and absolutely no tight fitting clothes. So you may ask why would we want to keep it a secret so long??? Well we were trying to accept this decision ourselves why try to explain it to others. We knew people would judge us for jumping into having another baby so soon when we were still grieving. We will always grieve losing Ashton and what he may have become but we cannot let that stand in the way of having the family we always dreamed of.

The day we found out we were having a girl I cried and cried and cried because big surprise I wanted so badly wanted another baby boy. A boy that maybe could carry out some of those dreams I had for Ashton. A baby boy that I could dance with with on his wedding day. A boy that would carry on the Zuehls name. Now some of you may be thinking I should just be happy to have another baby and yes I was happy I was having another baby but understand that I am still a grieving mother and at times my thoughts may seem a little off the wall.

The moment Miss Tenley Grace was born was a moment only Ashton could have helped God create. It was beautiful. It was like a bright colorful rainbow with a big pot of gold at the bottom. She was gorgeous. The instant bond I felt with her was unexplainable. She had two dimples kissed on both cheeks by Ashton and the baby I miscarried before Ashton. I embraced her and cried. I cried and cried and cried because I knew she was just what I needed and God knew this all along He knew I needed her.

Now Miss Tenley is almost 3 months old. FYI Ashton was 3 months and 2 days old when he died. Obviously this crosses my mind alot. But I have Faith, Faith that I know that Zeb and I can make it through anything. I don't know if Tenley will be here tomorrow but that will not stop me from loving her unconditionally today. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Sometimes when I'm talking to her and she starts babbling back and she looks into my eyes I cry. I cry because I know that she was a beautiful gift from God and I have a feeling that God let Ashton hand pick her out for us.

So to all of those people who thought it was a bad idea for Zeb and I to have another baby so soon after losing Ashton well come on over and see the happiness that 7 pound 12 ounce little girl has brought back into this family. She was by far the best deicision Zeb and I have ever made. We still think about Ashton everyday throughout the day but now there are a little more tears of happiness and a little less tears of sadness.

And big sister Olivia loves her sister to pieces. She talks about Ashton quite often which I love because I know she will never forget him and the impact he has made on this family. In only 3 months our little man impacted so many lives.

On the Verge of Collapse

Every morning I receive daily devotionals from Homeword, it is a Christian based website focused on families. I really enjoy these devotions because it reminds me to dig a little deeper into my faith to see things from a different perspective. This mornings devotion hit so close to home it gave me goosebumps. The title was On the Verge of Collapse and it started out talking about the bridge collapse in Minneapolis which I'm sure most of you remember since it was just a few years ago. I will quote the part that really hit close to home:
"I am reminded of the people around us everyday, including the people that make up our world of relationships. Some bear the physical scars of life and some don't. Typically, we don't give a moment's thought to what is going on in their lives. Yet, many people bear tremendous emotional and spiritual damage--interior damage that few, if any of us, see. Like an unsound bridge that looks normal, but is critically damaged in places unseen, most appear as though all is well in their lives. Yet, some teteer at the brink of collapse from the wounds that have weakened them."

Now is that not amazing. It hits so close to home because well in the past 4 1/2 months I have heard the statement "You are doing so well I don't think I could be do that well." My response is usually nothing because well that person that just said that to me has no idea they were not giving me a complement but were in fact making me feel guilty, sad, heartbroken and all of the above. Why do you ask? Because well when I'm in public I put on this smile and I "go on with life" the way people expect you too but little does the person who says this to me know that when I'm at home looking at Ashton's picture or walking by his room or laying in bed at night wondering what my son would be like today that I'm not ok. The fact of the matter is that I will never be ok. This is my life and I have choices I can either fall to pieces and give up or I can take what I have learned from this tragedy and use it for the good. I still have a daughter and a husband and how well do you think these relationships would be if I just gave up. The other problem with that statement is that I have said the same thing in the past before my son died so really you have no idea how strong you can be until you are in the situation. I am a mother who will go to the ends of the world for my children so if that means that I have to be strong for Olivia and make her life "normal" than that is what I have to do. So please next time you look at me and ask yourself "I don't know how she does it" know that my reply to you is one baby step at a time and sometimes just like a toddler beginning to walk I stumble and I break down and I cry and heck I even throw a temper tantrum sometimes but I have faith and I know that God will pick me up, kiss my broken heart and help me take that next step.

Jude 22-23: "Show mercy to those whose faith is wavering. Rescue others by snatching them from the flames of judgement. There are still others to whom you need to show mercy..."

Remember when......

Driving home from my sister's tonight I heard the song "Remember When" by Alan Jackson and it made me think of the day Zeb and I got married. What a wonderful day it was at the time I thought it was the best day of my life and you know it was ONE of the best days of my life right next to the day my children were born. Every time I hear that song I always imagine Zeb and I at our 50th Wedding Anniversary dancing and talking about all of the years we have been married. We are coming up on 5 Years of marriage this year and to be honest in those 5 Years we have been through more than a lot of couples who have been married 50 Years. Some say the first year is your hardest or the first 5 Years are your hardest I must agree at this time. Our first 5 Years of marriage were not hard because of us fighting over money issues or how to raise our children they were hard because we lost a child. My dreams of Zeb and I dancing at our 50th Wedding Anniversary have now somewhat changed. I still imagine us still dancing to the same song but now I imagine us crying together because not all of those memories were happy ones even though most will be happy ones there is still that one painful one bigger than any pain most people cannot even imagine. But regardless when I took those wedding vows with Zeb we both committed to for better or worse till death do us part and I know I speak for both of us when I say "I'm In" because after all we have been through there is no possible way anyone else in this world would ever be able to understand me or comfort me the way Zeb does. I love him and trust me there are days where I don't like him so much but I LOVE him and when I married him I knew I loved him. He just gets me and I get him even on those bad days or those sad days or those really really sucky days we are in this for the long run however long that maybe and lets all pray its for many many years for which most of years I pray are happy years where we hopefully welcome more children into this world so that we can tell them all about their big brother Ashton and how because of him our family has become what they are today and because of him mom and dad realized that the love can conquer all. I can only hope that our children someday find the love that Zeb and I feel for eachother.

It kind of makes me giggle because I'm pretty sure you all are reading this dry heaving. I just have to remind you all that no where in this blog did I mention that our love was perfect I just said one simple statment "We get eachother!"