My Dreams for my Son Ashton

The day Ashton died was the day all of the dreams I had for him changed. I once dreamed of my llittle man growing up to follow in his daddy's foot steps, to take over the farm, to work hard, to be respectful, to marry & have children, to be a down to earth young man. Those dreams are still so hard to let go. I used to struggle daily with these broken dreams now not quite as much which has made each day that much easier. Just to make things clear though I still think of Ashton constantly as much as I think of my girls but when I think of him I don't cry as much I think of maybe a special memory of him or I dream of what he would be like today. I still miss him but the pain is not as raw as it once was.

I still have dreams for Ashton not the same dreams but important dreams. Now that Ashton has died I can no longer dream that he will one day grow up but I can dream in honor of Ashton that Zeb and I will grow closer to Christ, eachother & our children. I must say that I am absolutely proud of how far we have come in the past 2 years. I laugh a lot more at my kids, I appreciate a lot more ordinary moments in my life. I sometimes wish my eyes were built in cameras to snap all of these precious moments I see in my ordinary day. Whether its teaching Olivia how to cook spaghetti or watching Tenley trying to figure out how to use a spoon those are special moments. Too much I see parents around me everyday taking their kids for granted and this makes me feel as if my son's death has been so easily forgotten. Before Ashton's death believe me I never thought in a million years one of my children would die. I never thought that I would have to endure the pain of empty arms but I have. Instead of just letting go of that I will grow from it. I will become a better mother for my son. I kiss my kids a lot more often and I yell a lot less. Don't get me wrong I still have my days that I wish I could hide out in my bedroom with a good bottle of wine & a bag of Lindnor chocolates but then just like that out of the corner of my eye I see something that reminds me of Ashton and how much I wish he was here so I could tickle his little toes and blow on his chubby belly. And don't forget how much I would enjoy yelling at him for pulling his sisters hair or tracking across my clean floor with dirty little boots. Those are the times in the midst of the chaos going on around me that I scoop up my toddler having a temper tantrum and kiss her and grab my drama queen 5 year old and hold her a little tighter and as I hold them I thank God for teaching me to appreciate even the most chaotic times in my day and I thank Him for blessing me with my children & my husband. May each of you reading this never have to go through the loss of a child but love your children as if tomorrow they will be gone.

A New Life

It has been so long since I blogged. It just seems as if life gets busy and you find less and less time for yourself. I'm sitting in the car now and my Zeb is driving so perfect time for me to catch up...

What has my life been like for the past, I don't know year???? Well as always its a roller coaster lol. I have found that my good days by far weigh out the bad days. I don't cry as much for Ashton, I miss him deeply & I think about him constantly but I can now dream of my little man without the tears.

Last night I was in the rocking chair with Tenley and as usual I was looking around at the photos of Ashton & Olivia and I realized that I was looking at my "old" life, my life before Ashton died. In my world I have had two lives, the one before Ashton's death & the one I'm living now. I can't explain why I feel that way but I feel I have changed since he died. Anyways I realized there was not one picture from my life after his death. Not one picture of Tenley, not one picture of Olivia over the age of 3. Why was this??? I'm not sure. See this room is now our "family room" the room in our home that no longer has a tv, the tv was moved downstairs after the basement was remodeled. Anyways I realized that every night as I rock Tenley to sleep in the complete silence, no tv, nothing I looked at Ashton's pictures and I cried. This was not only her time to fall asleep but this was mom's time to spend wtih Ashton and with Jesus because alot of the time as I rocked her I kissed her head and I thinked God for her! I thanked Him for blessing my life with her, Ashton, Olivia & Zeb. I talked to Him about what was troubling me that particular day & I thought of Ashton & cried. This has become one of my favorite times of the day!

So I ask you when was the last time you thanked God for your blessings instead of blaming Him for your troubles????