Visiting Hours

Quite often on Facebook I see posts from friends that state "I wish Heaven had visiting hours"  Each time I see this my mind starts turning and I wonder when those visiting hours would be and for how long and can I bring anything?  As I approach Ashton's 3rd Birthday on October 9 I know exactly when I would want visiting hours.  I would want to visit Ashton on his birthday each year.  I'm not sure I have to explain why but I will anyway.  Ashton's birth day was an amazingly happy day for our family!  It was a day filled with joy, happy tears & no sadness.

While in heaven I originally thought I would want to bring a birthday cake and maybe a toy tractor but I quickly changed my mind because there would be no time for all of that especially with how precious that time in heaven would be.  I imagine God would supply me with me with the most comfortable Lay z boy I would spend the entire time holding Ashton and telling him how his life & death has made such an amazing impact on my life and only for the good.

Here is what I would say:
Ashton I love you so very much and I miss you so much sometimes it hurts to breath.  I'm doing so much better than I was the day you died when I thought there was no possible way I could go on little did I know I would be where I am today.  My tears are few and far between and my spirits are up so much more than they were even a year ago.  I still have a long way to go Ashton but in all reality I'm always going to miss you and I'm always going to have moments where I'm angry, bitter, or sad. 

The moments I find most hard are the moments when Daddy is really missing you because I want to make him better and take away his pain and it makes me sad I can't.

Ashton since the day you died I take my responsibility as a mother much more serious.  I try hard to be the best mom and role model I can be.  I want to be strong for your sisters and I want them to grow up knowing you can be strong and still cry.  I shrug off the little hiccups in my day whereas before I would get so worked up about the little things and when I want to just let things get to me I remember what a bad day looks like or a bad moment.  I laugh so much more than I used to especially at your sisters.  A feisty toddler and a sassy 5 year old means I have some pretty healthy kids that can walk, talk, kick, scream, cry and everything else in between.  I spend so much more time at home because I have come to realize the time at home produces some of my happiest days, there is no rushing, just time that I can take in all of those little quirks your sisters have.  Their funny faces, funky dance moves and my favorite hide and seek!

As hard as it is to admit it Ashton your death has brought out the person I always wanted to be, a much more caring, forgiving and loving person.  And I know this is exactly where God wants me to be right now. Often I question God why He had to take you and sometimes I think I know the answer.  I sometimes believe God took you so that I can show others that even in the face of tragedy and grief you can find something to live for.  That you can bring good out of any situation in your life you just have to have faith!

Cast all of you anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Peter 5:7

Tears of Joy!

On this awful journey of grief I have met many beautiful families that have suffered similar losses.  In January of 2011 Zeb and I made our journey to Faiths Lodge where we met a handful of other couples who had also lost an infant.  We each had our own story, we were all in different "stages" of our grief and none of our losses were the same.   My heart broke each time I heard each of their  stories but one thing I realized is that each of us had unbelievable Faith in God. 

Just last fall one of the couples I met there suffered another loss.  I remember going to the funeral of their sweet baby girl and sobbing.  Here this couple that were supposed to be welcoming their Rainbow Baby into this world are once again having to say good bye less than a year after they said good bye to their first child.  My heart ached and the only thing I could do was pray for them pray that some way some how they would heal and God knows the healing part never ends. 

Today I had a pity party it just seemed as if everything was going wrong in my day.  I won't bore you with the details but I will tell you that on my way home I remembered what a bad day was, it was the day my son died it was the day I walked in on someone do CPR on him so my day today just means yes I may have to fork out a little money for the car door I scratched when my car door flew open in the wind but hey its just money and I got to walk in on my beautiful baby girl extremely excited to see me and just like that I forgot all about my bad day.

And the blessings and good news kept coming.  I logged onto Facebook to see my beautiful friends who have suffered 2 losses in the past 2 years post an update that they welcomed a healthy baby girl into this world and at that very moment the tears flowed and my arms were filled with goosebumps as I saw their smiling faces holding that 6 pound 15 ounce girl.  I can honestly say I'm not sure I have ever seen a couple more happier than they were in that picture.  That baby girl has been blessed by God because they are going to love her to the end of the world and back. I can imagine they are looking forward to the sleepless nights, poopy diapers and temper tantrums. 

To my dear friends I will continue to pray for you and your new addition!  I will also continue to pray that your Rainbow Baby is just as fiesty as mine because what fun is a Rainbow without the many different colors ;) (by colors I mean moods ranging from happy to see you mom to I'm going to lay here kicking and screaming because I can!)  Love you both

My Dreams for my Son Ashton

The day Ashton died was the day all of the dreams I had for him changed. I once dreamed of my llittle man growing up to follow in his daddy's foot steps, to take over the farm, to work hard, to be respectful, to marry & have children, to be a down to earth young man. Those dreams are still so hard to let go. I used to struggle daily with these broken dreams now not quite as much which has made each day that much easier. Just to make things clear though I still think of Ashton constantly as much as I think of my girls but when I think of him I don't cry as much I think of maybe a special memory of him or I dream of what he would be like today. I still miss him but the pain is not as raw as it once was.

I still have dreams for Ashton not the same dreams but important dreams. Now that Ashton has died I can no longer dream that he will one day grow up but I can dream in honor of Ashton that Zeb and I will grow closer to Christ, eachother & our children. I must say that I am absolutely proud of how far we have come in the past 2 years. I laugh a lot more at my kids, I appreciate a lot more ordinary moments in my life. I sometimes wish my eyes were built in cameras to snap all of these precious moments I see in my ordinary day. Whether its teaching Olivia how to cook spaghetti or watching Tenley trying to figure out how to use a spoon those are special moments. Too much I see parents around me everyday taking their kids for granted and this makes me feel as if my son's death has been so easily forgotten. Before Ashton's death believe me I never thought in a million years one of my children would die. I never thought that I would have to endure the pain of empty arms but I have. Instead of just letting go of that I will grow from it. I will become a better mother for my son. I kiss my kids a lot more often and I yell a lot less. Don't get me wrong I still have my days that I wish I could hide out in my bedroom with a good bottle of wine & a bag of Lindnor chocolates but then just like that out of the corner of my eye I see something that reminds me of Ashton and how much I wish he was here so I could tickle his little toes and blow on his chubby belly. And don't forget how much I would enjoy yelling at him for pulling his sisters hair or tracking across my clean floor with dirty little boots. Those are the times in the midst of the chaos going on around me that I scoop up my toddler having a temper tantrum and kiss her and grab my drama queen 5 year old and hold her a little tighter and as I hold them I thank God for teaching me to appreciate even the most chaotic times in my day and I thank Him for blessing me with my children & my husband. May each of you reading this never have to go through the loss of a child but love your children as if tomorrow they will be gone.

A New Life

It has been so long since I blogged. It just seems as if life gets busy and you find less and less time for yourself. I'm sitting in the car now and my Zeb is driving so perfect time for me to catch up...

What has my life been like for the past, I don't know year???? Well as always its a roller coaster lol. I have found that my good days by far weigh out the bad days. I don't cry as much for Ashton, I miss him deeply & I think about him constantly but I can now dream of my little man without the tears.

Last night I was in the rocking chair with Tenley and as usual I was looking around at the photos of Ashton & Olivia and I realized that I was looking at my "old" life, my life before Ashton died. In my world I have had two lives, the one before Ashton's death & the one I'm living now. I can't explain why I feel that way but I feel I have changed since he died. Anyways I realized there was not one picture from my life after his death. Not one picture of Tenley, not one picture of Olivia over the age of 3. Why was this??? I'm not sure. See this room is now our "family room" the room in our home that no longer has a tv, the tv was moved downstairs after the basement was remodeled. Anyways I realized that every night as I rock Tenley to sleep in the complete silence, no tv, nothing I looked at Ashton's pictures and I cried. This was not only her time to fall asleep but this was mom's time to spend wtih Ashton and with Jesus because alot of the time as I rocked her I kissed her head and I thinked God for her! I thanked Him for blessing my life with her, Ashton, Olivia & Zeb. I talked to Him about what was troubling me that particular day & I thought of Ashton & cried. This has become one of my favorite times of the day!

So I ask you when was the last time you thanked God for your blessings instead of blaming Him for your troubles????

A BIG CELEBRATION

I remember the day my brother, Ron, told me him and his wife Sara were expecting their first child. It was just weeks after Ashton was born. I was ecstatic! The first thing I said to him is "I hope you have a boy!" I dreamed of our son Ashton and their son growing up together and being the best of friends and causing so much trouble. Then just weeks after Ashton died my brother called to tell me the terrific news that they were indeed expecting a little baby boy. You can imagine my heartbreak. Of course I was so excited for them but I was also grieving over my son and all of those dreams I had for him.

Reid Douglas Henke was born on July 7th, 2010 weighing in at less than 7 pounds. He was a little peanut. I drove the long 3 1/2 hours just a week after he was born to meet my nephew for the first time. I had been preparing for this moment for months knowing it would be emotional for me but surprisingly when I got there it was not at all. I held that little man in my arms and enjoyed every moment. I was so excited for Ron and Sara. I knew they would be great parents and I knew they would cherish every moment especially since they were there for us when we lost our son. I prayed that they would have all the opportunities with Reid that I never had with Ashton.

I remember the first time it was hard for me to see Reid. He was around 4 months old and he was hitting milestones I never saw Ashton meet. I had him in my arms and I saw him reaching for a toy and I started tearing up. I never saw Ashton do that. I tried so hard to hold it in and just enjoy the moment and be joyful that Ron and Sara were so blessed to experience these milestones.

This Saturday we made the 3 1/2 hour trip to New Richmond to celebrate Reid's first birthday. It never crossed my mind that this would be a hard visit for me. We pulled in the driveway and Ron had the garage just full of balloons! I was so busy getting the kids in the house and the bags in that it never registered that the last 1st brithday I celebrated was for my son. We didn't have a party, no cake, and the balloons we had were sent up to heaven with a letter from me and a letter from Zeb. Those letters were so hard to write. We never read eachother's letters because they were for Ashton. I told Ashton how I imagined his first brithday would have been here on earth. It would of course be a tractor themed birthday, John Deere.

I got the bags in, Tenley's diaper changed, Olivia's swimsuit on, then I sat down. I looked around and I saw the blue table clothes, the Birthday sign that had footballs, baseballs and soccer balls on it and the balloons, man were there a lot of balloons. I started to get choked up so I slid my sunglasses down and walked outside pretending I was checking out all of the trees they recently planted. I was going to be strong I was going to hold it in. This day was about Reid not about my loss. It was a celebration of his 1st year! I pulled it together and I walked back into the house. I walked over to the cake and it was baseball themed! The perfect little cake for a little boy. There were birthday napkins and plates and one little candle that was blue with a big 1 on it. I was going to be strong. Sara brought Reid out of his room I was still holding it in. She went back in the room to get his swimming trunks and I lost it. I just couldn't be strong anymore. I said "Sara this is so hard for me I'm so sorry." Sara being the person she was, did not hold it against me. She said its ok there is no need to be sorry. I was no longer strong I could no longer hold my tears in, I was weak at that moment.

As the day went on I felt better I got to celebrate Reid's first birthday! I got to watch him dig into his little cake and make one heck of a mess. What a gret moment and I know that was his favorite moment. I am so thankful that I got to watch Ron & Sara have the experience of celebrating their son's first birthday! I look forward to the years ahead as they reach each and every milestone with Reid good and bad. I will laugh when he is driving them crazy and I will cry right along with them the day he graduates high school. And through the years I will never forget that Ashton would not have been much farther ahead of Reid and knowing in my heart that he was right there beside Zeb and I as we laughed and cried with Ron & Sara.

The Beauty of a Smell

Farming is one of the hardest jobs you can have. Long hours and little pay. Often times I'm frustrated by how little I see my husband. On a busy week Zeb don't get home until earliest 10pm which at that time I'm in bed because I get up at 4am. Most events I go to whether it be a family event, community event or just dinner with friends I'm on my own with the kids. These are the times I get the most frustrated or on those days where I just need a break, sometimes its nice just to run to the gas station by yourself but those times for me are few and far between. Farming is in Zeb's blood. He loves it and I would never take that away from him. When he has a good day its fabulous!

Yesterday on one of those rare occasions Zeb spent the day with us. We had an awesome day most of which we spent at home getting a few of those things checked off on my ever growing honey do list. Then last night we were invited to the farm for a cook out. It was a beautiful day for this. At one point Zeb had to take a ride on the 4 wheeler to check the irrigation. His mom offered to watch the kids so I could ride along. I was like a little school girl all excited for a ride on the 4 wheeler with my boyfriend lol. I wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes not because I was scared but because I wanted to just enjoy the moment. With your eyes closed you take in nature through the scent. The first thing I smelled was Zeb's cologne, one he has worn since I met him. It instantly took me back 8 years ago when he took me on a 4 wheeler ride through the farm. That one was much longer than this one but at that time we didn't have 2 kids back at the farm about ready for bed. How things change in 8 years. I also smelled fresh cut hay. There is nothing better than fresh cut hay on the farm. It has such a sweet fresh smell. A smell you will never find in the city. One of the many great things about farming. I pray that one day my girls will appreciate the farm and those little things that make it worth it. Our ride together yesterday was great and slightly romantic :).

This ride and the sweet smell of fresh cut hay made me realize the reason the sense of smell is by far my favorite. Since Ashton died I can no longer feel him in my arms, I can no longer see him smile and I can no longer hear his cries and giggles. One thing I can do however is smell him. Ashton had a smell to him just like all people. I used to call him my stinky baby even though I loved his smell. When he died I remember many nights sitting in his room crying and smelling his jammies, the jammies he wore the night before he died. I just couldn't bring myself to wash them because it was the only physical thing I had left of him. I talked many times to my grievance counselor about this and she suggested putting them in a ziploc bag. I didn't know how I felt about this and as time went on I was able to wash the burp rags and blankets but could never bring myself to washing those jammies so when I prepared the room for Tenley I put those jammies in a ziploc bag in a place where any time I need to I can remember the way it felt to hold him. Only a grieving mother would understand why I did this.

Pok-er Face

The definition of a poker face: An impassive expression that hides one's true feelings (noun).

From my understanding to be a great poker player you must have a great poker face. Since becoming a mom in November of 2006 I have sadly watched Poker after Midnight during my many late night feedings. One thing I have noticed is some of the players wear sunglasses and none of them ever smile, they are all so serious. I always imagined if that was me with a great hand of cards there is no way I could hide a smile on my face. I even imagine myself standing up and doing a little dance knowing I beat the rest of them lol.

Since January 11th, 2010 my poker face hs gotten good. Just this week at work I had a moment brought on by the frustration I feel when I hear of someone taking their child for granted especially a baby. I broke down and I cried right at my desk because I miss my son and I wish I could hold him. As the tears started rolling down my face I looked up and saw someone walking in. I jumped up walked in the other room and got myself together walked backed out with a smile on my face with a cheery voice asked wht I could help them with. I have no idea if this person knew but they sure didn't sk if I was ok. I have so many moments like this where I hide my true feelings mainly because I don't want to make someone uncomfortable. Whenever someone asks how I'm doing I lie and say we are doing great! In all honesty considering we lost our son we are doing ok but you know we have bad days, horrific days and ok days. I think my hardest days come when I have flashbacks of the day he died which sadly happen more than I care to mention but if you saw me you would never guess.

In life I think we all put on our poker faces just to get through certain days. We are all fighting some sort of battle. No one ever promised life would be easy but how you handle those curveballs in life says more about you than you may realize. It would be so easy to give up somedays but I choose to continue moving forward for my kids. I want to set a good example for them and show them that its possible to make it through the difficulties in life one step at a time. I talk about Ashton quite often with Olivia and sometimes we even cry because we miss him and I pray that this will teach Olivia to always be honest with her emotions but to also not let difficulties in life bring you down. Remember your children model you and how you handle life.