I remember the day my brother, Ron, told me him and his wife Sara were expecting their first child. It was just weeks after Ashton was born. I was ecstatic! The first thing I said to him is "I hope you have a boy!" I dreamed of our son Ashton and their son growing up together and being the best of friends and causing so much trouble. Then just weeks after Ashton died my brother called to tell me the terrific news that they were indeed expecting a little baby boy. You can imagine my heartbreak. Of course I was so excited for them but I was also grieving over my son and all of those dreams I had for him.
Reid Douglas Henke was born on July 7th, 2010 weighing in at less than 7 pounds. He was a little peanut. I drove the long 3 1/2 hours just a week after he was born to meet my nephew for the first time. I had been preparing for this moment for months knowing it would be emotional for me but surprisingly when I got there it was not at all. I held that little man in my arms and enjoyed every moment. I was so excited for Ron and Sara. I knew they would be great parents and I knew they would cherish every moment especially since they were there for us when we lost our son. I prayed that they would have all the opportunities with Reid that I never had with Ashton.
I remember the first time it was hard for me to see Reid. He was around 4 months old and he was hitting milestones I never saw Ashton meet. I had him in my arms and I saw him reaching for a toy and I started tearing up. I never saw Ashton do that. I tried so hard to hold it in and just enjoy the moment and be joyful that Ron and Sara were so blessed to experience these milestones.
This Saturday we made the 3 1/2 hour trip to New Richmond to celebrate Reid's first birthday. It never crossed my mind that this would be a hard visit for me. We pulled in the driveway and Ron had the garage just full of balloons! I was so busy getting the kids in the house and the bags in that it never registered that the last 1st brithday I celebrated was for my son. We didn't have a party, no cake, and the balloons we had were sent up to heaven with a letter from me and a letter from Zeb. Those letters were so hard to write. We never read eachother's letters because they were for Ashton. I told Ashton how I imagined his first brithday would have been here on earth. It would of course be a tractor themed birthday, John Deere.
I got the bags in, Tenley's diaper changed, Olivia's swimsuit on, then I sat down. I looked around and I saw the blue table clothes, the Birthday sign that had footballs, baseballs and soccer balls on it and the balloons, man were there a lot of balloons. I started to get choked up so I slid my sunglasses down and walked outside pretending I was checking out all of the trees they recently planted. I was going to be strong I was going to hold it in. This day was about Reid not about my loss. It was a celebration of his 1st year! I pulled it together and I walked back into the house. I walked over to the cake and it was baseball themed! The perfect little cake for a little boy. There were birthday napkins and plates and one little candle that was blue with a big 1 on it. I was going to be strong. Sara brought Reid out of his room I was still holding it in. She went back in the room to get his swimming trunks and I lost it. I just couldn't be strong anymore. I said "Sara this is so hard for me I'm so sorry." Sara being the person she was, did not hold it against me. She said its ok there is no need to be sorry. I was no longer strong I could no longer hold my tears in, I was weak at that moment.
As the day went on I felt better I got to celebrate Reid's first birthday! I got to watch him dig into his little cake and make one heck of a mess. What a gret moment and I know that was his favorite moment. I am so thankful that I got to watch Ron & Sara have the experience of celebrating their son's first birthday! I look forward to the years ahead as they reach each and every milestone with Reid good and bad. I will laugh when he is driving them crazy and I will cry right along with them the day he graduates high school. And through the years I will never forget that Ashton would not have been much farther ahead of Reid and knowing in my heart that he was right there beside Zeb and I as we laughed and cried with Ron & Sara.
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Baptisms were the hardest for me to hold it together through. I don't know why. We had Danni baptized in the hospital, but we were going to have a baptism celebration/ ceremony when she was able to come home. For whatever reason, every time we went to church, they were doing a baptism (sometimes more than one!) during mass. We kept going to different churches, trying to find a new one (we left ours after Danni's funeral) and ALWAYS seemed to pick the church and mass that had a baptism. I remember sitting outside of the church a couple times, because I couldn't be strong either. But then we were asked to be Adam's cousin's Godparents (Daniel Joseph... kind of after our Danni Jo), and I was able to get through that without a problem! It was very special for us as well though. :)
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