Visiting Hours

Quite often on Facebook I see posts from friends that state "I wish Heaven had visiting hours"  Each time I see this my mind starts turning and I wonder when those visiting hours would be and for how long and can I bring anything?  As I approach Ashton's 3rd Birthday on October 9 I know exactly when I would want visiting hours.  I would want to visit Ashton on his birthday each year.  I'm not sure I have to explain why but I will anyway.  Ashton's birth day was an amazingly happy day for our family!  It was a day filled with joy, happy tears & no sadness.

While in heaven I originally thought I would want to bring a birthday cake and maybe a toy tractor but I quickly changed my mind because there would be no time for all of that especially with how precious that time in heaven would be.  I imagine God would supply me with me with the most comfortable Lay z boy I would spend the entire time holding Ashton and telling him how his life & death has made such an amazing impact on my life and only for the good.

Here is what I would say:
Ashton I love you so very much and I miss you so much sometimes it hurts to breath.  I'm doing so much better than I was the day you died when I thought there was no possible way I could go on little did I know I would be where I am today.  My tears are few and far between and my spirits are up so much more than they were even a year ago.  I still have a long way to go Ashton but in all reality I'm always going to miss you and I'm always going to have moments where I'm angry, bitter, or sad. 

The moments I find most hard are the moments when Daddy is really missing you because I want to make him better and take away his pain and it makes me sad I can't.

Ashton since the day you died I take my responsibility as a mother much more serious.  I try hard to be the best mom and role model I can be.  I want to be strong for your sisters and I want them to grow up knowing you can be strong and still cry.  I shrug off the little hiccups in my day whereas before I would get so worked up about the little things and when I want to just let things get to me I remember what a bad day looks like or a bad moment.  I laugh so much more than I used to especially at your sisters.  A feisty toddler and a sassy 5 year old means I have some pretty healthy kids that can walk, talk, kick, scream, cry and everything else in between.  I spend so much more time at home because I have come to realize the time at home produces some of my happiest days, there is no rushing, just time that I can take in all of those little quirks your sisters have.  Their funny faces, funky dance moves and my favorite hide and seek!

As hard as it is to admit it Ashton your death has brought out the person I always wanted to be, a much more caring, forgiving and loving person.  And I know this is exactly where God wants me to be right now. Often I question God why He had to take you and sometimes I think I know the answer.  I sometimes believe God took you so that I can show others that even in the face of tragedy and grief you can find something to live for.  That you can bring good out of any situation in your life you just have to have faith!

Cast all of you anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Peter 5:7