Pok-er Face

The definition of a poker face: An impassive expression that hides one's true feelings (noun).

From my understanding to be a great poker player you must have a great poker face. Since becoming a mom in November of 2006 I have sadly watched Poker after Midnight during my many late night feedings. One thing I have noticed is some of the players wear sunglasses and none of them ever smile, they are all so serious. I always imagined if that was me with a great hand of cards there is no way I could hide a smile on my face. I even imagine myself standing up and doing a little dance knowing I beat the rest of them lol.

Since January 11th, 2010 my poker face hs gotten good. Just this week at work I had a moment brought on by the frustration I feel when I hear of someone taking their child for granted especially a baby. I broke down and I cried right at my desk because I miss my son and I wish I could hold him. As the tears started rolling down my face I looked up and saw someone walking in. I jumped up walked in the other room and got myself together walked backed out with a smile on my face with a cheery voice asked wht I could help them with. I have no idea if this person knew but they sure didn't sk if I was ok. I have so many moments like this where I hide my true feelings mainly because I don't want to make someone uncomfortable. Whenever someone asks how I'm doing I lie and say we are doing great! In all honesty considering we lost our son we are doing ok but you know we have bad days, horrific days and ok days. I think my hardest days come when I have flashbacks of the day he died which sadly happen more than I care to mention but if you saw me you would never guess.

In life I think we all put on our poker faces just to get through certain days. We are all fighting some sort of battle. No one ever promised life would be easy but how you handle those curveballs in life says more about you than you may realize. It would be so easy to give up somedays but I choose to continue moving forward for my kids. I want to set a good example for them and show them that its possible to make it through the difficulties in life one step at a time. I talk about Ashton quite often with Olivia and sometimes we even cry because we miss him and I pray that this will teach Olivia to always be honest with her emotions but to also not let difficulties in life bring you down. Remember your children model you and how you handle life.