The Great Weight Debate

While driving to Weight Watchers last night I tried to think of every excuse to just turn around...Its raining outside, my husband is home and I should be having dinner with my family, I'm tired, etc. But I kept driving, I knew I had to hold myself accountable for the bottle of wine I drank and the nachos I ate. Why does losing weight have to be so hard? I remember when I was younger, before I met Zeb, I could eat anything and everything and I just stayed the same. Its seems as if the night Zeb asked me to marry him I packed on 40 pounds. I like to blame it on him, well I did have to cook him dinner every night and he was always taking me out for these fabulous meals when we were dating. The problem is there is no one to blame but myself for putting this weight on. I could have skipped that second serving of nachos, though it was more like 2 servings per trip but they are the ones who put those big containers out to pile the chips and cheese on. I could have also skipped that second glass of wine or the third or fourth, but I really did not want that bottle to go to waste. Excuses, excuses. There is always an excuse.

As I was about to step on that scale I looked at the leader and asked if she could take off about a half pound because I soaken wet from the rain. She laughed and said you are not the first person to ask me that. So I stepped on and held my breath praying that the scale at home was off by at least a pound. She said .6, not bad! I smiled thinking, I lost .6 but as I looked down at that dreaded number I realized I had gained .6. What???? One bad night and I gained weight. What about the 4+ miles I walk 5 days a week? What about the other 6 days I felt like I was starving myself? What about, oh thats right on Sunday I went to a birthday party and accepted that moist piece of cake and when they asked if I wanted ice cream my response "well you can't have cake without ice cream!" Ugh!

So I walked to my seat and opened a bag of Weight Watchers BBQ crisps thinking about all of the excuses I could use as to why I gained weight. I also thought about what I could possibly do different this week so I could lose and get to my 15 pounds of weight lost because I really want that manicure and pedicure I promised myself when I lost 15 pounds. The leader came to the front of the room and said "What would you say if I said there is this magic pill I can tell you about that offers weight loss, health benefits and numerous other things?" Someone responded "What are the side affects?" I thought who cares! Sign me up I'm in I don't care what the side affects are, I don't care what it costs, I want that pill! The leader finally said "It's activity!" What? Ugh but thats so hard! So then we started talking about excuses as to why we can't get our activity in. I'm too tired, I have too much to do at home, I don't have time, I knee hurts, my back hurts, I want to just lay on the couch and eat a package of oreos! More excuses.

Not everyone struggles with their weight and I'm envious I mean come on who doesn't want to just eat whatever they want. On this journey I have had so many negative comments said to me. "You obsess too much over your weight!" "I just want to enjoy my life and not worry about what I eat!" So on and so forth. My response is when I was 25 pounds lighter than I am right now I felt terrific! I had energy, I was confident, I just felt great. So if it means that I have to give up that bowl of ice cream well so be it because that bowl of ice cream lasts for just a few minutes or seconds depending on how fast I devour it, but feeling good can last a lifetime.

AM I NORMAL?

The other day I was talking to someone and they made the comment that someone else was a little different. I laughed and said we are all a little different. This conversation made me question myself. Am I normal? Has anyone ever said this about me? I'm sure they have but why?

This past week I went back to work after a wonderful 12 weeks off with my beautiful baby girl. I was terrified about leaving her but my mom was generous enough to take the week off and spoil her. Each day on my way home from work I would call my mom because I thought that maybe if something was wrong it might be easier to hear it over the phone rather than walking in on it. Is this normal? Each morning I stand over Tenley's craddle to make sure she is breathing then I thank the Lord for another day with her and beg to let her live. Is this normal? Yesterday I bought her a 4th of July outfit and when I was checking questioned whether I should buy it because if something happens to her I will remember I bought that outfit for the 4th and the 4th of July will be a little harder knowing that. Is this normal? Today at 3 pm she will outlive Ashton. Is it normal that I almost figured it out to the second?

Grief is a crazy thing. When someone goes through grief their life changes forever. There is no timeline there is no 12 step plan. You will have to live with it forever, it will never go away. Sounds exhausting doesn't it. Well I can reassure you yes it is exhausting but some days not so much and so days a whole lot. There are days when I think about January 11th, 2010 I get physically ill just like that day. I actually feel like I'm reliving that day all over again. Is this normal?

I can tell you right now I'm not normal. So if you want to tell someone else that I'm a little different thats ok because I am. But I kind of like me that way I am. Just think about it. We all start out like a big clump of clay then as we start growing the Lord starts shaping us into a fine piece of pottery. Each day we change a little more into a masterpiece. Some things shape you a little more than others but in the end you are a true piece of art.

Our "Rainbow Baby"

I will never forget someone telling me it was a bad idea to have another child so soon after losing our son. Actually I will never forget all the people who said that to me. A few of these comments actually came from grieving parents which surprised me. I thought if anyone understood why I wanted another baby so badly they would. There were times when Zeb and I felt so alone in this need to hold another baby of our own.

Why did we want another baby when it was hard to even look at a baby after losing Ashton? Our arms were so unbelievably empty. They physically hurt at times because we could no longer hold our son. Zeb and I felt that having another baby would bring back just an ounce of happiness that we lost the day Ashton died. Maybe another baby would bring a real smile to our faces again. Maybe just maybe we could feel like a family again.

The day we found out we were pregnant again we were instantly happy, sad, scared and unsure if this was the right thing to do. Actually throughout my entire pregnancay I wondered if this was the right thing for us to do. This may shock some people that I'm being so honest about this but an amazing woman told me that my honesty is what makes me such an amazing mother. Whether or not that is true I don't know but it makes me feel better when I'm doubting the decisions I have made.

So back to our "Rainbow Baby." Zeb and I decided to keep the pregnancy a secret until well I just couldn't hide it anymore. I stuck to big sweatshirts and absolutely no tight fitting clothes. So you may ask why would we want to keep it a secret so long??? Well we were trying to accept this decision ourselves why try to explain it to others. We knew people would judge us for jumping into having another baby so soon when we were still grieving. We will always grieve losing Ashton and what he may have become but we cannot let that stand in the way of having the family we always dreamed of.

The day we found out we were having a girl I cried and cried and cried because big surprise I wanted so badly wanted another baby boy. A boy that maybe could carry out some of those dreams I had for Ashton. A baby boy that I could dance with with on his wedding day. A boy that would carry on the Zuehls name. Now some of you may be thinking I should just be happy to have another baby and yes I was happy I was having another baby but understand that I am still a grieving mother and at times my thoughts may seem a little off the wall.

The moment Miss Tenley Grace was born was a moment only Ashton could have helped God create. It was beautiful. It was like a bright colorful rainbow with a big pot of gold at the bottom. She was gorgeous. The instant bond I felt with her was unexplainable. She had two dimples kissed on both cheeks by Ashton and the baby I miscarried before Ashton. I embraced her and cried. I cried and cried and cried because I knew she was just what I needed and God knew this all along He knew I needed her.

Now Miss Tenley is almost 3 months old. FYI Ashton was 3 months and 2 days old when he died. Obviously this crosses my mind alot. But I have Faith, Faith that I know that Zeb and I can make it through anything. I don't know if Tenley will be here tomorrow but that will not stop me from loving her unconditionally today. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Sometimes when I'm talking to her and she starts babbling back and she looks into my eyes I cry. I cry because I know that she was a beautiful gift from God and I have a feeling that God let Ashton hand pick her out for us.

So to all of those people who thought it was a bad idea for Zeb and I to have another baby so soon after losing Ashton well come on over and see the happiness that 7 pound 12 ounce little girl has brought back into this family. She was by far the best deicision Zeb and I have ever made. We still think about Ashton everyday throughout the day but now there are a little more tears of happiness and a little less tears of sadness.

And big sister Olivia loves her sister to pieces. She talks about Ashton quite often which I love because I know she will never forget him and the impact he has made on this family. In only 3 months our little man impacted so many lives.