I remember the day my brother, Ron, told me him and his wife Sara were expecting their first child. It was just weeks after Ashton was born. I was ecstatic! The first thing I said to him is "I hope you have a boy!" I dreamed of our son Ashton and their son growing up together and being the best of friends and causing so much trouble. Then just weeks after Ashton died my brother called to tell me the terrific news that they were indeed expecting a little baby boy. You can imagine my heartbreak. Of course I was so excited for them but I was also grieving over my son and all of those dreams I had for him.
Reid Douglas Henke was born on July 7th, 2010 weighing in at less than 7 pounds. He was a little peanut. I drove the long 3 1/2 hours just a week after he was born to meet my nephew for the first time. I had been preparing for this moment for months knowing it would be emotional for me but surprisingly when I got there it was not at all. I held that little man in my arms and enjoyed every moment. I was so excited for Ron and Sara. I knew they would be great parents and I knew they would cherish every moment especially since they were there for us when we lost our son. I prayed that they would have all the opportunities with Reid that I never had with Ashton.
I remember the first time it was hard for me to see Reid. He was around 4 months old and he was hitting milestones I never saw Ashton meet. I had him in my arms and I saw him reaching for a toy and I started tearing up. I never saw Ashton do that. I tried so hard to hold it in and just enjoy the moment and be joyful that Ron and Sara were so blessed to experience these milestones.
This Saturday we made the 3 1/2 hour trip to New Richmond to celebrate Reid's first birthday. It never crossed my mind that this would be a hard visit for me. We pulled in the driveway and Ron had the garage just full of balloons! I was so busy getting the kids in the house and the bags in that it never registered that the last 1st brithday I celebrated was for my son. We didn't have a party, no cake, and the balloons we had were sent up to heaven with a letter from me and a letter from Zeb. Those letters were so hard to write. We never read eachother's letters because they were for Ashton. I told Ashton how I imagined his first brithday would have been here on earth. It would of course be a tractor themed birthday, John Deere.
I got the bags in, Tenley's diaper changed, Olivia's swimsuit on, then I sat down. I looked around and I saw the blue table clothes, the Birthday sign that had footballs, baseballs and soccer balls on it and the balloons, man were there a lot of balloons. I started to get choked up so I slid my sunglasses down and walked outside pretending I was checking out all of the trees they recently planted. I was going to be strong I was going to hold it in. This day was about Reid not about my loss. It was a celebration of his 1st year! I pulled it together and I walked back into the house. I walked over to the cake and it was baseball themed! The perfect little cake for a little boy. There were birthday napkins and plates and one little candle that was blue with a big 1 on it. I was going to be strong. Sara brought Reid out of his room I was still holding it in. She went back in the room to get his swimming trunks and I lost it. I just couldn't be strong anymore. I said "Sara this is so hard for me I'm so sorry." Sara being the person she was, did not hold it against me. She said its ok there is no need to be sorry. I was no longer strong I could no longer hold my tears in, I was weak at that moment.
As the day went on I felt better I got to celebrate Reid's first birthday! I got to watch him dig into his little cake and make one heck of a mess. What a gret moment and I know that was his favorite moment. I am so thankful that I got to watch Ron & Sara have the experience of celebrating their son's first birthday! I look forward to the years ahead as they reach each and every milestone with Reid good and bad. I will laugh when he is driving them crazy and I will cry right along with them the day he graduates high school. And through the years I will never forget that Ashton would not have been much farther ahead of Reid and knowing in my heart that he was right there beside Zeb and I as we laughed and cried with Ron & Sara.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
The Beauty of a Smell
Farming is one of the hardest jobs you can have. Long hours and little pay. Often times I'm frustrated by how little I see my husband. On a busy week Zeb don't get home until earliest 10pm which at that time I'm in bed because I get up at 4am. Most events I go to whether it be a family event, community event or just dinner with friends I'm on my own with the kids. These are the times I get the most frustrated or on those days where I just need a break, sometimes its nice just to run to the gas station by yourself but those times for me are few and far between. Farming is in Zeb's blood. He loves it and I would never take that away from him. When he has a good day its fabulous!
Yesterday on one of those rare occasions Zeb spent the day with us. We had an awesome day most of which we spent at home getting a few of those things checked off on my ever growing honey do list. Then last night we were invited to the farm for a cook out. It was a beautiful day for this. At one point Zeb had to take a ride on the 4 wheeler to check the irrigation. His mom offered to watch the kids so I could ride along. I was like a little school girl all excited for a ride on the 4 wheeler with my boyfriend lol. I wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes not because I was scared but because I wanted to just enjoy the moment. With your eyes closed you take in nature through the scent. The first thing I smelled was Zeb's cologne, one he has worn since I met him. It instantly took me back 8 years ago when he took me on a 4 wheeler ride through the farm. That one was much longer than this one but at that time we didn't have 2 kids back at the farm about ready for bed. How things change in 8 years. I also smelled fresh cut hay. There is nothing better than fresh cut hay on the farm. It has such a sweet fresh smell. A smell you will never find in the city. One of the many great things about farming. I pray that one day my girls will appreciate the farm and those little things that make it worth it. Our ride together yesterday was great and slightly romantic :).
This ride and the sweet smell of fresh cut hay made me realize the reason the sense of smell is by far my favorite. Since Ashton died I can no longer feel him in my arms, I can no longer see him smile and I can no longer hear his cries and giggles. One thing I can do however is smell him. Ashton had a smell to him just like all people. I used to call him my stinky baby even though I loved his smell. When he died I remember many nights sitting in his room crying and smelling his jammies, the jammies he wore the night before he died. I just couldn't bring myself to wash them because it was the only physical thing I had left of him. I talked many times to my grievance counselor about this and she suggested putting them in a ziploc bag. I didn't know how I felt about this and as time went on I was able to wash the burp rags and blankets but could never bring myself to washing those jammies so when I prepared the room for Tenley I put those jammies in a ziploc bag in a place where any time I need to I can remember the way it felt to hold him. Only a grieving mother would understand why I did this.
Yesterday on one of those rare occasions Zeb spent the day with us. We had an awesome day most of which we spent at home getting a few of those things checked off on my ever growing honey do list. Then last night we were invited to the farm for a cook out. It was a beautiful day for this. At one point Zeb had to take a ride on the 4 wheeler to check the irrigation. His mom offered to watch the kids so I could ride along. I was like a little school girl all excited for a ride on the 4 wheeler with my boyfriend lol. I wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes not because I was scared but because I wanted to just enjoy the moment. With your eyes closed you take in nature through the scent. The first thing I smelled was Zeb's cologne, one he has worn since I met him. It instantly took me back 8 years ago when he took me on a 4 wheeler ride through the farm. That one was much longer than this one but at that time we didn't have 2 kids back at the farm about ready for bed. How things change in 8 years. I also smelled fresh cut hay. There is nothing better than fresh cut hay on the farm. It has such a sweet fresh smell. A smell you will never find in the city. One of the many great things about farming. I pray that one day my girls will appreciate the farm and those little things that make it worth it. Our ride together yesterday was great and slightly romantic :).
This ride and the sweet smell of fresh cut hay made me realize the reason the sense of smell is by far my favorite. Since Ashton died I can no longer feel him in my arms, I can no longer see him smile and I can no longer hear his cries and giggles. One thing I can do however is smell him. Ashton had a smell to him just like all people. I used to call him my stinky baby even though I loved his smell. When he died I remember many nights sitting in his room crying and smelling his jammies, the jammies he wore the night before he died. I just couldn't bring myself to wash them because it was the only physical thing I had left of him. I talked many times to my grievance counselor about this and she suggested putting them in a ziploc bag. I didn't know how I felt about this and as time went on I was able to wash the burp rags and blankets but could never bring myself to washing those jammies so when I prepared the room for Tenley I put those jammies in a ziploc bag in a place where any time I need to I can remember the way it felt to hold him. Only a grieving mother would understand why I did this.
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