On the Verge of Collapse

Every morning I receive daily devotionals from Homeword, it is a Christian based website focused on families. I really enjoy these devotions because it reminds me to dig a little deeper into my faith to see things from a different perspective. This mornings devotion hit so close to home it gave me goosebumps. The title was On the Verge of Collapse and it started out talking about the bridge collapse in Minneapolis which I'm sure most of you remember since it was just a few years ago. I will quote the part that really hit close to home:
"I am reminded of the people around us everyday, including the people that make up our world of relationships. Some bear the physical scars of life and some don't. Typically, we don't give a moment's thought to what is going on in their lives. Yet, many people bear tremendous emotional and spiritual damage--interior damage that few, if any of us, see. Like an unsound bridge that looks normal, but is critically damaged in places unseen, most appear as though all is well in their lives. Yet, some teteer at the brink of collapse from the wounds that have weakened them."

Now is that not amazing. It hits so close to home because well in the past 4 1/2 months I have heard the statement "You are doing so well I don't think I could be do that well." My response is usually nothing because well that person that just said that to me has no idea they were not giving me a complement but were in fact making me feel guilty, sad, heartbroken and all of the above. Why do you ask? Because well when I'm in public I put on this smile and I "go on with life" the way people expect you too but little does the person who says this to me know that when I'm at home looking at Ashton's picture or walking by his room or laying in bed at night wondering what my son would be like today that I'm not ok. The fact of the matter is that I will never be ok. This is my life and I have choices I can either fall to pieces and give up or I can take what I have learned from this tragedy and use it for the good. I still have a daughter and a husband and how well do you think these relationships would be if I just gave up. The other problem with that statement is that I have said the same thing in the past before my son died so really you have no idea how strong you can be until you are in the situation. I am a mother who will go to the ends of the world for my children so if that means that I have to be strong for Olivia and make her life "normal" than that is what I have to do. So please next time you look at me and ask yourself "I don't know how she does it" know that my reply to you is one baby step at a time and sometimes just like a toddler beginning to walk I stumble and I break down and I cry and heck I even throw a temper tantrum sometimes but I have faith and I know that God will pick me up, kiss my broken heart and help me take that next step.

Jude 22-23: "Show mercy to those whose faith is wavering. Rescue others by snatching them from the flames of judgement. There are still others to whom you need to show mercy..."

Remember when......

Driving home from my sister's tonight I heard the song "Remember When" by Alan Jackson and it made me think of the day Zeb and I got married. What a wonderful day it was at the time I thought it was the best day of my life and you know it was ONE of the best days of my life right next to the day my children were born. Every time I hear that song I always imagine Zeb and I at our 50th Wedding Anniversary dancing and talking about all of the years we have been married. We are coming up on 5 Years of marriage this year and to be honest in those 5 Years we have been through more than a lot of couples who have been married 50 Years. Some say the first year is your hardest or the first 5 Years are your hardest I must agree at this time. Our first 5 Years of marriage were not hard because of us fighting over money issues or how to raise our children they were hard because we lost a child. My dreams of Zeb and I dancing at our 50th Wedding Anniversary have now somewhat changed. I still imagine us still dancing to the same song but now I imagine us crying together because not all of those memories were happy ones even though most will be happy ones there is still that one painful one bigger than any pain most people cannot even imagine. But regardless when I took those wedding vows with Zeb we both committed to for better or worse till death do us part and I know I speak for both of us when I say "I'm In" because after all we have been through there is no possible way anyone else in this world would ever be able to understand me or comfort me the way Zeb does. I love him and trust me there are days where I don't like him so much but I LOVE him and when I married him I knew I loved him. He just gets me and I get him even on those bad days or those sad days or those really really sucky days we are in this for the long run however long that maybe and lets all pray its for many many years for which most of years I pray are happy years where we hopefully welcome more children into this world so that we can tell them all about their big brother Ashton and how because of him our family has become what they are today and because of him mom and dad realized that the love can conquer all. I can only hope that our children someday find the love that Zeb and I feel for eachother.

It kind of makes me giggle because I'm pretty sure you all are reading this dry heaving. I just have to remind you all that no where in this blog did I mention that our love was perfect I just said one simple statment "We get eachother!"

January 11th, 2010

This is the day my journey began, 4 months ago today. Now this is my nightmare that I have to live with everyday.

I got done with work at 1:30pm and was heading out to pick up the kids. The week before I started exercising after work but on this day I decided that you know my kids are only young once I need to spend more time with them. I was wearing a red sweater and dark blue jeans. I had plans that day to go home after work and take a shower because I felt yucky and fat and just felt a shower would wake me up. I would place Ashton in his bouncy seat in the bathroom and he was normally pretty content because the sound of the shower was soothing to him and Olivia I would put Dora on so it would be a win win situation. I ran into Megan on my way out and we started talking about breastfeeding and how long we were going to keep at it I was personally thinking about stopping since it never did work out well for me but I was not sure. Then I ran into Patti and we chatted about losing weight after the first of the year and what not. I got to daycare a little later than normal since I was chatting after work and I started walking in. It was cold out so I kept the car running so the kids would be warm. I bent down to pick up a piece of garbage in the driveway and looked up to Tim, the daycare provider, I knew right away that something was not right. I said "Is everything ok?" and he said no you need to come in here Kathy is in the kitchen and I said "Are my kids ok?" and he said no go to the kitchen, my nightmare began. I ran into Kathy doing CPR on Ashton my sweet 3 month old baby, my healthy, chubby baby. "What happened?????" I screamed and she said "I don't know." I hit the ground and I prayed "Please God don't take my baby, please God!" *****TEARS***** I'm sorry but I need to get this out. I have been having a lot of flashbacks so I need to get it out. I blew in his mouth I prayed I rubbed his arm I kissed his hand I grabbed Olivia and I cried I tried to call Zeb no answer I tried to call my mom no answer I called Tama and she got Zeb he rused there. The ambulance arrived and I watched as they tried to save his life. For some reason I knew that this nightmare would not end and that I would have to say good bye to my baby. I rode in the ambulance to Portage and I was taken in a room by myself. The chaplan arrived and said she would call my Pastor. My doctor arrived with Daycia and the ER doctor and they told me the news that my baby was not coming home with me. I told them that I prayed everyday to God to keep my children happy, safe and healthy but I forgot to add one thing keep them here on earth with me because I was not ready to give them back. I asked my mom "How am I going to go on with life?" and she said "I don't know."

I'm so glad I got that out. That is where my journey began. I now know how I'm going to go on with life and somedays are easier than others and somedays just plain suck. I still pray to God because I have come to realize that He is alot of times the only One I can find comfort in.

Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! And I have. I have found more comfort in the Lord than I ever did in the past. Yes I get mad at Him for taking my son so soon and I yell at Him but He can handle it and I'm pretty sure He is grieving right along with me. How great is that? You can yell at Him and be mad at Him and cry to Him and He still loves you.

This morning I was yelling at God pretty much the way I yell at Zeb when he doesn't do something I have asked him a hundred times to do. I wonder if God had the same reaction Zeb does?. Zeb normally cleans yes I said clean. He does the dishes and sweeps and mops the floor then all of sudden I can hear the wash machine going and the vacuum cleaner. I sometimes ask myself why I don't get mad more often it sure would save me a lot of time not having to clean :). So I yelled at God this morning because I have been praying to Him for weeks now to help Zeb. To give him the strength he needs to get through yet another planting season. That man has more bad luck than anyone I have ever met. His machinery is always breaking down on him and it breaks my heart everytime because I don't know what to do so I figured pray Melanie pray so I have been but my prayers were not answered because all week and last his planter kept breaking down. This poor man is at his witts end so what does a wife do??? Well I baked cookies and had Olivia color a picture than we took it all to the farm and while he was not looking I posted a sticky not on the steering wheel of the tractor that simply said I love you! I headed home and before I even got there I got a text message saying I love you more you just made my day. So maybe thats all he needed was a little love. The planter kept breaking down but I'm pretty sure he had a smile on his face for quite sometime. Then when he got home I stuck sticky notes all over the microwave saying somethings I will not repeat and since my daughter can't read I can do things like that for a few more years. When I got home from work I found a sticky note in the bathroom, in my room and by the phone all from him. What a great love we have!

I sometimes wonder if this is why God chose to take our son knowing that not only was Ashton loved to the extremes but because He knew that Zeb and I could make it through this and in the end our love only grew for eachother. True love cannot be broken under any circumstance. And our love for our children will be greater if thats at all possible and now all of those little things I used to make me a little mad like Olivia dancing in a restaurant really don't seem all that bad. I sit back and enjoy watching her twirl and wiggle her butt as all the people in the restaurant glare at me. If they only knew I'm pretty sure they would sit back and watch the entertainment as well because in all honesty she's not hurting anything and not screaming she is just enjoying the music.

And my journey continues.....

May 9th, 2010

Its Mother's Day! For most moms this a fun filled day of breakfast in bed, cards, hugs, kisses and all of that good stuff you wait all year to get from your children. Well my day was not much different I got the cards and hugs and kisses and all that jazz except someone was missing a very important part of our family, Ashton.

Ashton would be 7 months old today I wonder what he would be doing??? Would he be crawling yet, would he be a giggly baby, how much would he weigh??? See my sweet little man passed away on January 11th, 2010 at only 3 months old. He was a perfectly healthy baby but SIDS is what took my little man.

This blog is dedicated to him and my families journey through the grief of losing our little Ashton to SIDS. I'm doing this mainly for me to help me through the pain and to tell my story.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Melanie and I have been married to my soulmate, Zeb, for almost 5 years! We were blessed with three children, Olivia who is 3 going on 16, a baby that we miscarried in the first trimester and Ashton our sweet baby boy. Olivia and Ashton both weighed in at 9 pounds at birth and they were both born on the 9th of the month. 9 must be our lucky number!

We live in a very small town in Wisconsin where my husband farms with his father and I work outside of the home in human resources. We live a simple life but we love it! We have all we need and more.

We survive everyday by our faith in God. He has brought us through a lot so far and we are sure we would not be this far without Him.

Roman 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.

Do I believe that of course I do! Have I had doubts of course I have but that is what the beauty of God is all about. He loves us no matter what.

So welcome to our journey......