January 11th, 2010

This is the day my journey began, 4 months ago today. Now this is my nightmare that I have to live with everyday.

I got done with work at 1:30pm and was heading out to pick up the kids. The week before I started exercising after work but on this day I decided that you know my kids are only young once I need to spend more time with them. I was wearing a red sweater and dark blue jeans. I had plans that day to go home after work and take a shower because I felt yucky and fat and just felt a shower would wake me up. I would place Ashton in his bouncy seat in the bathroom and he was normally pretty content because the sound of the shower was soothing to him and Olivia I would put Dora on so it would be a win win situation. I ran into Megan on my way out and we started talking about breastfeeding and how long we were going to keep at it I was personally thinking about stopping since it never did work out well for me but I was not sure. Then I ran into Patti and we chatted about losing weight after the first of the year and what not. I got to daycare a little later than normal since I was chatting after work and I started walking in. It was cold out so I kept the car running so the kids would be warm. I bent down to pick up a piece of garbage in the driveway and looked up to Tim, the daycare provider, I knew right away that something was not right. I said "Is everything ok?" and he said no you need to come in here Kathy is in the kitchen and I said "Are my kids ok?" and he said no go to the kitchen, my nightmare began. I ran into Kathy doing CPR on Ashton my sweet 3 month old baby, my healthy, chubby baby. "What happened?????" I screamed and she said "I don't know." I hit the ground and I prayed "Please God don't take my baby, please God!" *****TEARS***** I'm sorry but I need to get this out. I have been having a lot of flashbacks so I need to get it out. I blew in his mouth I prayed I rubbed his arm I kissed his hand I grabbed Olivia and I cried I tried to call Zeb no answer I tried to call my mom no answer I called Tama and she got Zeb he rused there. The ambulance arrived and I watched as they tried to save his life. For some reason I knew that this nightmare would not end and that I would have to say good bye to my baby. I rode in the ambulance to Portage and I was taken in a room by myself. The chaplan arrived and said she would call my Pastor. My doctor arrived with Daycia and the ER doctor and they told me the news that my baby was not coming home with me. I told them that I prayed everyday to God to keep my children happy, safe and healthy but I forgot to add one thing keep them here on earth with me because I was not ready to give them back. I asked my mom "How am I going to go on with life?" and she said "I don't know."

I'm so glad I got that out. That is where my journey began. I now know how I'm going to go on with life and somedays are easier than others and somedays just plain suck. I still pray to God because I have come to realize that He is alot of times the only One I can find comfort in.

Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! And I have. I have found more comfort in the Lord than I ever did in the past. Yes I get mad at Him for taking my son so soon and I yell at Him but He can handle it and I'm pretty sure He is grieving right along with me. How great is that? You can yell at Him and be mad at Him and cry to Him and He still loves you.

This morning I was yelling at God pretty much the way I yell at Zeb when he doesn't do something I have asked him a hundred times to do. I wonder if God had the same reaction Zeb does?. Zeb normally cleans yes I said clean. He does the dishes and sweeps and mops the floor then all of sudden I can hear the wash machine going and the vacuum cleaner. I sometimes ask myself why I don't get mad more often it sure would save me a lot of time not having to clean :). So I yelled at God this morning because I have been praying to Him for weeks now to help Zeb. To give him the strength he needs to get through yet another planting season. That man has more bad luck than anyone I have ever met. His machinery is always breaking down on him and it breaks my heart everytime because I don't know what to do so I figured pray Melanie pray so I have been but my prayers were not answered because all week and last his planter kept breaking down. This poor man is at his witts end so what does a wife do??? Well I baked cookies and had Olivia color a picture than we took it all to the farm and while he was not looking I posted a sticky not on the steering wheel of the tractor that simply said I love you! I headed home and before I even got there I got a text message saying I love you more you just made my day. So maybe thats all he needed was a little love. The planter kept breaking down but I'm pretty sure he had a smile on his face for quite sometime. Then when he got home I stuck sticky notes all over the microwave saying somethings I will not repeat and since my daughter can't read I can do things like that for a few more years. When I got home from work I found a sticky note in the bathroom, in my room and by the phone all from him. What a great love we have!

I sometimes wonder if this is why God chose to take our son knowing that not only was Ashton loved to the extremes but because He knew that Zeb and I could make it through this and in the end our love only grew for eachother. True love cannot be broken under any circumstance. And our love for our children will be greater if thats at all possible and now all of those little things I used to make me a little mad like Olivia dancing in a restaurant really don't seem all that bad. I sit back and enjoy watching her twirl and wiggle her butt as all the people in the restaurant glare at me. If they only knew I'm pretty sure they would sit back and watch the entertainment as well because in all honesty she's not hurting anything and not screaming she is just enjoying the music.

And my journey continues.....