Visiting Hours

Quite often on Facebook I see posts from friends that state "I wish Heaven had visiting hours"  Each time I see this my mind starts turning and I wonder when those visiting hours would be and for how long and can I bring anything?  As I approach Ashton's 3rd Birthday on October 9 I know exactly when I would want visiting hours.  I would want to visit Ashton on his birthday each year.  I'm not sure I have to explain why but I will anyway.  Ashton's birth day was an amazingly happy day for our family!  It was a day filled with joy, happy tears & no sadness.

While in heaven I originally thought I would want to bring a birthday cake and maybe a toy tractor but I quickly changed my mind because there would be no time for all of that especially with how precious that time in heaven would be.  I imagine God would supply me with me with the most comfortable Lay z boy I would spend the entire time holding Ashton and telling him how his life & death has made such an amazing impact on my life and only for the good.

Here is what I would say:
Ashton I love you so very much and I miss you so much sometimes it hurts to breath.  I'm doing so much better than I was the day you died when I thought there was no possible way I could go on little did I know I would be where I am today.  My tears are few and far between and my spirits are up so much more than they were even a year ago.  I still have a long way to go Ashton but in all reality I'm always going to miss you and I'm always going to have moments where I'm angry, bitter, or sad. 

The moments I find most hard are the moments when Daddy is really missing you because I want to make him better and take away his pain and it makes me sad I can't.

Ashton since the day you died I take my responsibility as a mother much more serious.  I try hard to be the best mom and role model I can be.  I want to be strong for your sisters and I want them to grow up knowing you can be strong and still cry.  I shrug off the little hiccups in my day whereas before I would get so worked up about the little things and when I want to just let things get to me I remember what a bad day looks like or a bad moment.  I laugh so much more than I used to especially at your sisters.  A feisty toddler and a sassy 5 year old means I have some pretty healthy kids that can walk, talk, kick, scream, cry and everything else in between.  I spend so much more time at home because I have come to realize the time at home produces some of my happiest days, there is no rushing, just time that I can take in all of those little quirks your sisters have.  Their funny faces, funky dance moves and my favorite hide and seek!

As hard as it is to admit it Ashton your death has brought out the person I always wanted to be, a much more caring, forgiving and loving person.  And I know this is exactly where God wants me to be right now. Often I question God why He had to take you and sometimes I think I know the answer.  I sometimes believe God took you so that I can show others that even in the face of tragedy and grief you can find something to live for.  That you can bring good out of any situation in your life you just have to have faith!

Cast all of you anxiety on him because he cares for you.  Peter 5:7

Tears of Joy!

On this awful journey of grief I have met many beautiful families that have suffered similar losses.  In January of 2011 Zeb and I made our journey to Faiths Lodge where we met a handful of other couples who had also lost an infant.  We each had our own story, we were all in different "stages" of our grief and none of our losses were the same.   My heart broke each time I heard each of their  stories but one thing I realized is that each of us had unbelievable Faith in God. 

Just last fall one of the couples I met there suffered another loss.  I remember going to the funeral of their sweet baby girl and sobbing.  Here this couple that were supposed to be welcoming their Rainbow Baby into this world are once again having to say good bye less than a year after they said good bye to their first child.  My heart ached and the only thing I could do was pray for them pray that some way some how they would heal and God knows the healing part never ends. 

Today I had a pity party it just seemed as if everything was going wrong in my day.  I won't bore you with the details but I will tell you that on my way home I remembered what a bad day was, it was the day my son died it was the day I walked in on someone do CPR on him so my day today just means yes I may have to fork out a little money for the car door I scratched when my car door flew open in the wind but hey its just money and I got to walk in on my beautiful baby girl extremely excited to see me and just like that I forgot all about my bad day.

And the blessings and good news kept coming.  I logged onto Facebook to see my beautiful friends who have suffered 2 losses in the past 2 years post an update that they welcomed a healthy baby girl into this world and at that very moment the tears flowed and my arms were filled with goosebumps as I saw their smiling faces holding that 6 pound 15 ounce girl.  I can honestly say I'm not sure I have ever seen a couple more happier than they were in that picture.  That baby girl has been blessed by God because they are going to love her to the end of the world and back. I can imagine they are looking forward to the sleepless nights, poopy diapers and temper tantrums. 

To my dear friends I will continue to pray for you and your new addition!  I will also continue to pray that your Rainbow Baby is just as fiesty as mine because what fun is a Rainbow without the many different colors ;) (by colors I mean moods ranging from happy to see you mom to I'm going to lay here kicking and screaming because I can!)  Love you both

My Dreams for my Son Ashton

The day Ashton died was the day all of the dreams I had for him changed. I once dreamed of my llittle man growing up to follow in his daddy's foot steps, to take over the farm, to work hard, to be respectful, to marry & have children, to be a down to earth young man. Those dreams are still so hard to let go. I used to struggle daily with these broken dreams now not quite as much which has made each day that much easier. Just to make things clear though I still think of Ashton constantly as much as I think of my girls but when I think of him I don't cry as much I think of maybe a special memory of him or I dream of what he would be like today. I still miss him but the pain is not as raw as it once was.

I still have dreams for Ashton not the same dreams but important dreams. Now that Ashton has died I can no longer dream that he will one day grow up but I can dream in honor of Ashton that Zeb and I will grow closer to Christ, eachother & our children. I must say that I am absolutely proud of how far we have come in the past 2 years. I laugh a lot more at my kids, I appreciate a lot more ordinary moments in my life. I sometimes wish my eyes were built in cameras to snap all of these precious moments I see in my ordinary day. Whether its teaching Olivia how to cook spaghetti or watching Tenley trying to figure out how to use a spoon those are special moments. Too much I see parents around me everyday taking their kids for granted and this makes me feel as if my son's death has been so easily forgotten. Before Ashton's death believe me I never thought in a million years one of my children would die. I never thought that I would have to endure the pain of empty arms but I have. Instead of just letting go of that I will grow from it. I will become a better mother for my son. I kiss my kids a lot more often and I yell a lot less. Don't get me wrong I still have my days that I wish I could hide out in my bedroom with a good bottle of wine & a bag of Lindnor chocolates but then just like that out of the corner of my eye I see something that reminds me of Ashton and how much I wish he was here so I could tickle his little toes and blow on his chubby belly. And don't forget how much I would enjoy yelling at him for pulling his sisters hair or tracking across my clean floor with dirty little boots. Those are the times in the midst of the chaos going on around me that I scoop up my toddler having a temper tantrum and kiss her and grab my drama queen 5 year old and hold her a little tighter and as I hold them I thank God for teaching me to appreciate even the most chaotic times in my day and I thank Him for blessing me with my children & my husband. May each of you reading this never have to go through the loss of a child but love your children as if tomorrow they will be gone.

A New Life

It has been so long since I blogged. It just seems as if life gets busy and you find less and less time for yourself. I'm sitting in the car now and my Zeb is driving so perfect time for me to catch up...

What has my life been like for the past, I don't know year???? Well as always its a roller coaster lol. I have found that my good days by far weigh out the bad days. I don't cry as much for Ashton, I miss him deeply & I think about him constantly but I can now dream of my little man without the tears.

Last night I was in the rocking chair with Tenley and as usual I was looking around at the photos of Ashton & Olivia and I realized that I was looking at my "old" life, my life before Ashton died. In my world I have had two lives, the one before Ashton's death & the one I'm living now. I can't explain why I feel that way but I feel I have changed since he died. Anyways I realized there was not one picture from my life after his death. Not one picture of Tenley, not one picture of Olivia over the age of 3. Why was this??? I'm not sure. See this room is now our "family room" the room in our home that no longer has a tv, the tv was moved downstairs after the basement was remodeled. Anyways I realized that every night as I rock Tenley to sleep in the complete silence, no tv, nothing I looked at Ashton's pictures and I cried. This was not only her time to fall asleep but this was mom's time to spend wtih Ashton and with Jesus because alot of the time as I rocked her I kissed her head and I thinked God for her! I thanked Him for blessing my life with her, Ashton, Olivia & Zeb. I talked to Him about what was troubling me that particular day & I thought of Ashton & cried. This has become one of my favorite times of the day!

So I ask you when was the last time you thanked God for your blessings instead of blaming Him for your troubles????