My Dreams for my Son Ashton

The day Ashton died was the day all of the dreams I had for him changed. I once dreamed of my llittle man growing up to follow in his daddy's foot steps, to take over the farm, to work hard, to be respectful, to marry & have children, to be a down to earth young man. Those dreams are still so hard to let go. I used to struggle daily with these broken dreams now not quite as much which has made each day that much easier. Just to make things clear though I still think of Ashton constantly as much as I think of my girls but when I think of him I don't cry as much I think of maybe a special memory of him or I dream of what he would be like today. I still miss him but the pain is not as raw as it once was.

I still have dreams for Ashton not the same dreams but important dreams. Now that Ashton has died I can no longer dream that he will one day grow up but I can dream in honor of Ashton that Zeb and I will grow closer to Christ, eachother & our children. I must say that I am absolutely proud of how far we have come in the past 2 years. I laugh a lot more at my kids, I appreciate a lot more ordinary moments in my life. I sometimes wish my eyes were built in cameras to snap all of these precious moments I see in my ordinary day. Whether its teaching Olivia how to cook spaghetti or watching Tenley trying to figure out how to use a spoon those are special moments. Too much I see parents around me everyday taking their kids for granted and this makes me feel as if my son's death has been so easily forgotten. Before Ashton's death believe me I never thought in a million years one of my children would die. I never thought that I would have to endure the pain of empty arms but I have. Instead of just letting go of that I will grow from it. I will become a better mother for my son. I kiss my kids a lot more often and I yell a lot less. Don't get me wrong I still have my days that I wish I could hide out in my bedroom with a good bottle of wine & a bag of Lindnor chocolates but then just like that out of the corner of my eye I see something that reminds me of Ashton and how much I wish he was here so I could tickle his little toes and blow on his chubby belly. And don't forget how much I would enjoy yelling at him for pulling his sisters hair or tracking across my clean floor with dirty little boots. Those are the times in the midst of the chaos going on around me that I scoop up my toddler having a temper tantrum and kiss her and grab my drama queen 5 year old and hold her a little tighter and as I hold them I thank God for teaching me to appreciate even the most chaotic times in my day and I thank Him for blessing me with my children & my husband. May each of you reading this never have to go through the loss of a child but love your children as if tomorrow they will be gone.