I remember the day my brother, Ron, told me him and his wife Sara were expecting their first child. It was just weeks after Ashton was born. I was ecstatic! The first thing I said to him is "I hope you have a boy!" I dreamed of our son Ashton and their son growing up together and being the best of friends and causing so much trouble. Then just weeks after Ashton died my brother called to tell me the terrific news that they were indeed expecting a little baby boy. You can imagine my heartbreak. Of course I was so excited for them but I was also grieving over my son and all of those dreams I had for him.
Reid Douglas Henke was born on July 7th, 2010 weighing in at less than 7 pounds. He was a little peanut. I drove the long 3 1/2 hours just a week after he was born to meet my nephew for the first time. I had been preparing for this moment for months knowing it would be emotional for me but surprisingly when I got there it was not at all. I held that little man in my arms and enjoyed every moment. I was so excited for Ron and Sara. I knew they would be great parents and I knew they would cherish every moment especially since they were there for us when we lost our son. I prayed that they would have all the opportunities with Reid that I never had with Ashton.
I remember the first time it was hard for me to see Reid. He was around 4 months old and he was hitting milestones I never saw Ashton meet. I had him in my arms and I saw him reaching for a toy and I started tearing up. I never saw Ashton do that. I tried so hard to hold it in and just enjoy the moment and be joyful that Ron and Sara were so blessed to experience these milestones.
This Saturday we made the 3 1/2 hour trip to New Richmond to celebrate Reid's first birthday. It never crossed my mind that this would be a hard visit for me. We pulled in the driveway and Ron had the garage just full of balloons! I was so busy getting the kids in the house and the bags in that it never registered that the last 1st brithday I celebrated was for my son. We didn't have a party, no cake, and the balloons we had were sent up to heaven with a letter from me and a letter from Zeb. Those letters were so hard to write. We never read eachother's letters because they were for Ashton. I told Ashton how I imagined his first brithday would have been here on earth. It would of course be a tractor themed birthday, John Deere.
I got the bags in, Tenley's diaper changed, Olivia's swimsuit on, then I sat down. I looked around and I saw the blue table clothes, the Birthday sign that had footballs, baseballs and soccer balls on it and the balloons, man were there a lot of balloons. I started to get choked up so I slid my sunglasses down and walked outside pretending I was checking out all of the trees they recently planted. I was going to be strong I was going to hold it in. This day was about Reid not about my loss. It was a celebration of his 1st year! I pulled it together and I walked back into the house. I walked over to the cake and it was baseball themed! The perfect little cake for a little boy. There were birthday napkins and plates and one little candle that was blue with a big 1 on it. I was going to be strong. Sara brought Reid out of his room I was still holding it in. She went back in the room to get his swimming trunks and I lost it. I just couldn't be strong anymore. I said "Sara this is so hard for me I'm so sorry." Sara being the person she was, did not hold it against me. She said its ok there is no need to be sorry. I was no longer strong I could no longer hold my tears in, I was weak at that moment.
As the day went on I felt better I got to celebrate Reid's first birthday! I got to watch him dig into his little cake and make one heck of a mess. What a gret moment and I know that was his favorite moment. I am so thankful that I got to watch Ron & Sara have the experience of celebrating their son's first birthday! I look forward to the years ahead as they reach each and every milestone with Reid good and bad. I will laugh when he is driving them crazy and I will cry right along with them the day he graduates high school. And through the years I will never forget that Ashton would not have been much farther ahead of Reid and knowing in my heart that he was right there beside Zeb and I as we laughed and cried with Ron & Sara.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
The Beauty of a Smell
Farming is one of the hardest jobs you can have. Long hours and little pay. Often times I'm frustrated by how little I see my husband. On a busy week Zeb don't get home until earliest 10pm which at that time I'm in bed because I get up at 4am. Most events I go to whether it be a family event, community event or just dinner with friends I'm on my own with the kids. These are the times I get the most frustrated or on those days where I just need a break, sometimes its nice just to run to the gas station by yourself but those times for me are few and far between. Farming is in Zeb's blood. He loves it and I would never take that away from him. When he has a good day its fabulous!
Yesterday on one of those rare occasions Zeb spent the day with us. We had an awesome day most of which we spent at home getting a few of those things checked off on my ever growing honey do list. Then last night we were invited to the farm for a cook out. It was a beautiful day for this. At one point Zeb had to take a ride on the 4 wheeler to check the irrigation. His mom offered to watch the kids so I could ride along. I was like a little school girl all excited for a ride on the 4 wheeler with my boyfriend lol. I wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes not because I was scared but because I wanted to just enjoy the moment. With your eyes closed you take in nature through the scent. The first thing I smelled was Zeb's cologne, one he has worn since I met him. It instantly took me back 8 years ago when he took me on a 4 wheeler ride through the farm. That one was much longer than this one but at that time we didn't have 2 kids back at the farm about ready for bed. How things change in 8 years. I also smelled fresh cut hay. There is nothing better than fresh cut hay on the farm. It has such a sweet fresh smell. A smell you will never find in the city. One of the many great things about farming. I pray that one day my girls will appreciate the farm and those little things that make it worth it. Our ride together yesterday was great and slightly romantic :).
This ride and the sweet smell of fresh cut hay made me realize the reason the sense of smell is by far my favorite. Since Ashton died I can no longer feel him in my arms, I can no longer see him smile and I can no longer hear his cries and giggles. One thing I can do however is smell him. Ashton had a smell to him just like all people. I used to call him my stinky baby even though I loved his smell. When he died I remember many nights sitting in his room crying and smelling his jammies, the jammies he wore the night before he died. I just couldn't bring myself to wash them because it was the only physical thing I had left of him. I talked many times to my grievance counselor about this and she suggested putting them in a ziploc bag. I didn't know how I felt about this and as time went on I was able to wash the burp rags and blankets but could never bring myself to washing those jammies so when I prepared the room for Tenley I put those jammies in a ziploc bag in a place where any time I need to I can remember the way it felt to hold him. Only a grieving mother would understand why I did this.
Yesterday on one of those rare occasions Zeb spent the day with us. We had an awesome day most of which we spent at home getting a few of those things checked off on my ever growing honey do list. Then last night we were invited to the farm for a cook out. It was a beautiful day for this. At one point Zeb had to take a ride on the 4 wheeler to check the irrigation. His mom offered to watch the kids so I could ride along. I was like a little school girl all excited for a ride on the 4 wheeler with my boyfriend lol. I wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes not because I was scared but because I wanted to just enjoy the moment. With your eyes closed you take in nature through the scent. The first thing I smelled was Zeb's cologne, one he has worn since I met him. It instantly took me back 8 years ago when he took me on a 4 wheeler ride through the farm. That one was much longer than this one but at that time we didn't have 2 kids back at the farm about ready for bed. How things change in 8 years. I also smelled fresh cut hay. There is nothing better than fresh cut hay on the farm. It has such a sweet fresh smell. A smell you will never find in the city. One of the many great things about farming. I pray that one day my girls will appreciate the farm and those little things that make it worth it. Our ride together yesterday was great and slightly romantic :).
This ride and the sweet smell of fresh cut hay made me realize the reason the sense of smell is by far my favorite. Since Ashton died I can no longer feel him in my arms, I can no longer see him smile and I can no longer hear his cries and giggles. One thing I can do however is smell him. Ashton had a smell to him just like all people. I used to call him my stinky baby even though I loved his smell. When he died I remember many nights sitting in his room crying and smelling his jammies, the jammies he wore the night before he died. I just couldn't bring myself to wash them because it was the only physical thing I had left of him. I talked many times to my grievance counselor about this and she suggested putting them in a ziploc bag. I didn't know how I felt about this and as time went on I was able to wash the burp rags and blankets but could never bring myself to washing those jammies so when I prepared the room for Tenley I put those jammies in a ziploc bag in a place where any time I need to I can remember the way it felt to hold him. Only a grieving mother would understand why I did this.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Pok-er Face
The definition of a poker face: An impassive expression that hides one's true feelings (noun).
From my understanding to be a great poker player you must have a great poker face. Since becoming a mom in November of 2006 I have sadly watched Poker after Midnight during my many late night feedings. One thing I have noticed is some of the players wear sunglasses and none of them ever smile, they are all so serious. I always imagined if that was me with a great hand of cards there is no way I could hide a smile on my face. I even imagine myself standing up and doing a little dance knowing I beat the rest of them lol.
Since January 11th, 2010 my poker face hs gotten good. Just this week at work I had a moment brought on by the frustration I feel when I hear of someone taking their child for granted especially a baby. I broke down and I cried right at my desk because I miss my son and I wish I could hold him. As the tears started rolling down my face I looked up and saw someone walking in. I jumped up walked in the other room and got myself together walked backed out with a smile on my face with a cheery voice asked wht I could help them with. I have no idea if this person knew but they sure didn't sk if I was ok. I have so many moments like this where I hide my true feelings mainly because I don't want to make someone uncomfortable. Whenever someone asks how I'm doing I lie and say we are doing great! In all honesty considering we lost our son we are doing ok but you know we have bad days, horrific days and ok days. I think my hardest days come when I have flashbacks of the day he died which sadly happen more than I care to mention but if you saw me you would never guess.
In life I think we all put on our poker faces just to get through certain days. We are all fighting some sort of battle. No one ever promised life would be easy but how you handle those curveballs in life says more about you than you may realize. It would be so easy to give up somedays but I choose to continue moving forward for my kids. I want to set a good example for them and show them that its possible to make it through the difficulties in life one step at a time. I talk about Ashton quite often with Olivia and sometimes we even cry because we miss him and I pray that this will teach Olivia to always be honest with her emotions but to also not let difficulties in life bring you down. Remember your children model you and how you handle life.
From my understanding to be a great poker player you must have a great poker face. Since becoming a mom in November of 2006 I have sadly watched Poker after Midnight during my many late night feedings. One thing I have noticed is some of the players wear sunglasses and none of them ever smile, they are all so serious. I always imagined if that was me with a great hand of cards there is no way I could hide a smile on my face. I even imagine myself standing up and doing a little dance knowing I beat the rest of them lol.
Since January 11th, 2010 my poker face hs gotten good. Just this week at work I had a moment brought on by the frustration I feel when I hear of someone taking their child for granted especially a baby. I broke down and I cried right at my desk because I miss my son and I wish I could hold him. As the tears started rolling down my face I looked up and saw someone walking in. I jumped up walked in the other room and got myself together walked backed out with a smile on my face with a cheery voice asked wht I could help them with. I have no idea if this person knew but they sure didn't sk if I was ok. I have so many moments like this where I hide my true feelings mainly because I don't want to make someone uncomfortable. Whenever someone asks how I'm doing I lie and say we are doing great! In all honesty considering we lost our son we are doing ok but you know we have bad days, horrific days and ok days. I think my hardest days come when I have flashbacks of the day he died which sadly happen more than I care to mention but if you saw me you would never guess.
In life I think we all put on our poker faces just to get through certain days. We are all fighting some sort of battle. No one ever promised life would be easy but how you handle those curveballs in life says more about you than you may realize. It would be so easy to give up somedays but I choose to continue moving forward for my kids. I want to set a good example for them and show them that its possible to make it through the difficulties in life one step at a time. I talk about Ashton quite often with Olivia and sometimes we even cry because we miss him and I pray that this will teach Olivia to always be honest with her emotions but to also not let difficulties in life bring you down. Remember your children model you and how you handle life.
Monday, June 6, 2011
The hardest working man I know
If you look up hard working in the dictionary I'm pretty sure you would find a picture of my husband. Zeb is the hardest working person I know and he never gives up. I sometimes wonder if the world is stacked against him because it just never seems he can get a break. When things seem to be going good look out because it will turn just as fast for him. I tell him all of the time how proud I am of him and how much I admire the love he has for farming.
I'm writing this post today for him because I support him in all of his crazy endeavors no matter how much I think they may be a bad idea I still support him because I love him. I wish I could help him more but with little ones at home its pretty much impossible. Last night or should I say this morning Zeb got home at 2:30am and shortly after he layed down, Tenley woke up. He didn't complain he just got up with her and fed her knowing that I had to get up at 4:00am. He is just so thoughtful and plus I think he wanted some cuddle time with her.
Yesterday Zeb was in a fantastic mood even though his one baler was clogged and he was crazy busy he was in a good mood because all in all things were going good. The other baler was running great and oh his first crop of hay was beautiful in his words. He was so proud of his first crop he said it was the best first crop he has ever had. I was so happy for him but in the back of my mind I thought man I hope things continue to go well for him. So he baled until 9:00pm last night then got back to the farm and started fixing his other baler not knowing there was rain coming. He worked on it until 2:30 this morning never giving up. Well as I walked into work this morning I thought is that thunder I hear please God don't let that be thunder because I knew that the best crop of hay he has ever had was still out in the field because Zeb did not have time to pick it up. As I heard the rain drops falling I felt as if I was about to shed a few tears myself because I knew that it would break my husbands heart. I called Zeb and before he even said anything I told him I was so sorry about his hay. You could tell in his voice that he just wanted to give up. I have heard this tone in Zeb so many times but I know he will pull through and he will keep plugging away at his big dreams. Then my husband said "You know sweetie this morning as I was stressing over the hay that was not picked up and the hay that was raked I looked down at Tenley and she was smiling and it just made my day." What a great father!
When I met Zeb 8 years ago I had no idea what was in store for me. I had no idea that we would lose a child, I had no idea that farming was so stressful lol and I had no idea how much more I would fall in love with him everyday. He is truely an amazing man. I wish he could spend more time with us but the time we do spend together is quality time and we appreciate every moment. And I'm sure once the kids are a little bigger and able to drive tractors that we will all be out there with him helping him out as much as we can just so we can spend the time with him and so that we can as a family support him because this is what family does you support each other on the good days and the bad but you always know you can count on each other.
This post is for Zeb and hoping it makes his day today a little less stressful knowing he has a wife that is absolutely madly in love with him good days and bad and that even though I get mad sometimes because I don't see him a real lot I am so absolutely proud of him for everything he does. Even though it may seem like everyone else is stacked against you Zeb I want you to know I'm not and even if you don't feel you are succesful you are because your success is not measured by how many acres you have it or how good your hay may be it is measured by how many people you make happy and you have three lovely ladies at home that you make very happy and one handsome little boy in heaven that looks down on you everyday smiling knowing that you are successful as a father and a husband. Love you!
I'm writing this post today for him because I support him in all of his crazy endeavors no matter how much I think they may be a bad idea I still support him because I love him. I wish I could help him more but with little ones at home its pretty much impossible. Last night or should I say this morning Zeb got home at 2:30am and shortly after he layed down, Tenley woke up. He didn't complain he just got up with her and fed her knowing that I had to get up at 4:00am. He is just so thoughtful and plus I think he wanted some cuddle time with her.
Yesterday Zeb was in a fantastic mood even though his one baler was clogged and he was crazy busy he was in a good mood because all in all things were going good. The other baler was running great and oh his first crop of hay was beautiful in his words. He was so proud of his first crop he said it was the best first crop he has ever had. I was so happy for him but in the back of my mind I thought man I hope things continue to go well for him. So he baled until 9:00pm last night then got back to the farm and started fixing his other baler not knowing there was rain coming. He worked on it until 2:30 this morning never giving up. Well as I walked into work this morning I thought is that thunder I hear please God don't let that be thunder because I knew that the best crop of hay he has ever had was still out in the field because Zeb did not have time to pick it up. As I heard the rain drops falling I felt as if I was about to shed a few tears myself because I knew that it would break my husbands heart. I called Zeb and before he even said anything I told him I was so sorry about his hay. You could tell in his voice that he just wanted to give up. I have heard this tone in Zeb so many times but I know he will pull through and he will keep plugging away at his big dreams. Then my husband said "You know sweetie this morning as I was stressing over the hay that was not picked up and the hay that was raked I looked down at Tenley and she was smiling and it just made my day." What a great father!
When I met Zeb 8 years ago I had no idea what was in store for me. I had no idea that we would lose a child, I had no idea that farming was so stressful lol and I had no idea how much more I would fall in love with him everyday. He is truely an amazing man. I wish he could spend more time with us but the time we do spend together is quality time and we appreciate every moment. And I'm sure once the kids are a little bigger and able to drive tractors that we will all be out there with him helping him out as much as we can just so we can spend the time with him and so that we can as a family support him because this is what family does you support each other on the good days and the bad but you always know you can count on each other.
This post is for Zeb and hoping it makes his day today a little less stressful knowing he has a wife that is absolutely madly in love with him good days and bad and that even though I get mad sometimes because I don't see him a real lot I am so absolutely proud of him for everything he does. Even though it may seem like everyone else is stacked against you Zeb I want you to know I'm not and even if you don't feel you are succesful you are because your success is not measured by how many acres you have it or how good your hay may be it is measured by how many people you make happy and you have three lovely ladies at home that you make very happy and one handsome little boy in heaven that looks down on you everyday smiling knowing that you are successful as a father and a husband. Love you!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Great Weight Debate
While driving to Weight Watchers last night I tried to think of every excuse to just turn around...Its raining outside, my husband is home and I should be having dinner with my family, I'm tired, etc. But I kept driving, I knew I had to hold myself accountable for the bottle of wine I drank and the nachos I ate. Why does losing weight have to be so hard? I remember when I was younger, before I met Zeb, I could eat anything and everything and I just stayed the same. Its seems as if the night Zeb asked me to marry him I packed on 40 pounds. I like to blame it on him, well I did have to cook him dinner every night and he was always taking me out for these fabulous meals when we were dating. The problem is there is no one to blame but myself for putting this weight on. I could have skipped that second serving of nachos, though it was more like 2 servings per trip but they are the ones who put those big containers out to pile the chips and cheese on. I could have also skipped that second glass of wine or the third or fourth, but I really did not want that bottle to go to waste. Excuses, excuses. There is always an excuse.
As I was about to step on that scale I looked at the leader and asked if she could take off about a half pound because I soaken wet from the rain. She laughed and said you are not the first person to ask me that. So I stepped on and held my breath praying that the scale at home was off by at least a pound. She said .6, not bad! I smiled thinking, I lost .6 but as I looked down at that dreaded number I realized I had gained .6. What???? One bad night and I gained weight. What about the 4+ miles I walk 5 days a week? What about the other 6 days I felt like I was starving myself? What about, oh thats right on Sunday I went to a birthday party and accepted that moist piece of cake and when they asked if I wanted ice cream my response "well you can't have cake without ice cream!" Ugh!
So I walked to my seat and opened a bag of Weight Watchers BBQ crisps thinking about all of the excuses I could use as to why I gained weight. I also thought about what I could possibly do different this week so I could lose and get to my 15 pounds of weight lost because I really want that manicure and pedicure I promised myself when I lost 15 pounds. The leader came to the front of the room and said "What would you say if I said there is this magic pill I can tell you about that offers weight loss, health benefits and numerous other things?" Someone responded "What are the side affects?" I thought who cares! Sign me up I'm in I don't care what the side affects are, I don't care what it costs, I want that pill! The leader finally said "It's activity!" What? Ugh but thats so hard! So then we started talking about excuses as to why we can't get our activity in. I'm too tired, I have too much to do at home, I don't have time, I knee hurts, my back hurts, I want to just lay on the couch and eat a package of oreos! More excuses.
Not everyone struggles with their weight and I'm envious I mean come on who doesn't want to just eat whatever they want. On this journey I have had so many negative comments said to me. "You obsess too much over your weight!" "I just want to enjoy my life and not worry about what I eat!" So on and so forth. My response is when I was 25 pounds lighter than I am right now I felt terrific! I had energy, I was confident, I just felt great. So if it means that I have to give up that bowl of ice cream well so be it because that bowl of ice cream lasts for just a few minutes or seconds depending on how fast I devour it, but feeling good can last a lifetime.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
AM I NORMAL?
The other day I was talking to someone and they made the comment that someone else was a little different. I laughed and said we are all a little different. This conversation made me question myself. Am I normal? Has anyone ever said this about me? I'm sure they have but why?
This past week I went back to work after a wonderful 12 weeks off with my beautiful baby girl. I was terrified about leaving her but my mom was generous enough to take the week off and spoil her. Each day on my way home from work I would call my mom because I thought that maybe if something was wrong it might be easier to hear it over the phone rather than walking in on it. Is this normal? Each morning I stand over Tenley's craddle to make sure she is breathing then I thank the Lord for another day with her and beg to let her live. Is this normal? Yesterday I bought her a 4th of July outfit and when I was checking questioned whether I should buy it because if something happens to her I will remember I bought that outfit for the 4th and the 4th of July will be a little harder knowing that. Is this normal? Today at 3 pm she will outlive Ashton. Is it normal that I almost figured it out to the second?
Grief is a crazy thing. When someone goes through grief their life changes forever. There is no timeline there is no 12 step plan. You will have to live with it forever, it will never go away. Sounds exhausting doesn't it. Well I can reassure you yes it is exhausting but some days not so much and so days a whole lot. There are days when I think about January 11th, 2010 I get physically ill just like that day. I actually feel like I'm reliving that day all over again. Is this normal?
I can tell you right now I'm not normal. So if you want to tell someone else that I'm a little different thats ok because I am. But I kind of like me that way I am. Just think about it. We all start out like a big clump of clay then as we start growing the Lord starts shaping us into a fine piece of pottery. Each day we change a little more into a masterpiece. Some things shape you a little more than others but in the end you are a true piece of art.
This past week I went back to work after a wonderful 12 weeks off with my beautiful baby girl. I was terrified about leaving her but my mom was generous enough to take the week off and spoil her. Each day on my way home from work I would call my mom because I thought that maybe if something was wrong it might be easier to hear it over the phone rather than walking in on it. Is this normal? Each morning I stand over Tenley's craddle to make sure she is breathing then I thank the Lord for another day with her and beg to let her live. Is this normal? Yesterday I bought her a 4th of July outfit and when I was checking questioned whether I should buy it because if something happens to her I will remember I bought that outfit for the 4th and the 4th of July will be a little harder knowing that. Is this normal? Today at 3 pm she will outlive Ashton. Is it normal that I almost figured it out to the second?
Grief is a crazy thing. When someone goes through grief their life changes forever. There is no timeline there is no 12 step plan. You will have to live with it forever, it will never go away. Sounds exhausting doesn't it. Well I can reassure you yes it is exhausting but some days not so much and so days a whole lot. There are days when I think about January 11th, 2010 I get physically ill just like that day. I actually feel like I'm reliving that day all over again. Is this normal?
I can tell you right now I'm not normal. So if you want to tell someone else that I'm a little different thats ok because I am. But I kind of like me that way I am. Just think about it. We all start out like a big clump of clay then as we start growing the Lord starts shaping us into a fine piece of pottery. Each day we change a little more into a masterpiece. Some things shape you a little more than others but in the end you are a true piece of art.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Our "Rainbow Baby"
I will never forget someone telling me it was a bad idea to have another child so soon after losing our son. Actually I will never forget all the people who said that to me. A few of these comments actually came from grieving parents which surprised me. I thought if anyone understood why I wanted another baby so badly they would. There were times when Zeb and I felt so alone in this need to hold another baby of our own.
Why did we want another baby when it was hard to even look at a baby after losing Ashton? Our arms were so unbelievably empty. They physically hurt at times because we could no longer hold our son. Zeb and I felt that having another baby would bring back just an ounce of happiness that we lost the day Ashton died. Maybe another baby would bring a real smile to our faces again. Maybe just maybe we could feel like a family again.
The day we found out we were pregnant again we were instantly happy, sad, scared and unsure if this was the right thing to do. Actually throughout my entire pregnancay I wondered if this was the right thing for us to do. This may shock some people that I'm being so honest about this but an amazing woman told me that my honesty is what makes me such an amazing mother. Whether or not that is true I don't know but it makes me feel better when I'm doubting the decisions I have made.
So back to our "Rainbow Baby." Zeb and I decided to keep the pregnancy a secret until well I just couldn't hide it anymore. I stuck to big sweatshirts and absolutely no tight fitting clothes. So you may ask why would we want to keep it a secret so long??? Well we were trying to accept this decision ourselves why try to explain it to others. We knew people would judge us for jumping into having another baby so soon when we were still grieving. We will always grieve losing Ashton and what he may have become but we cannot let that stand in the way of having the family we always dreamed of.
The day we found out we were having a girl I cried and cried and cried because big surprise I wanted so badly wanted another baby boy. A boy that maybe could carry out some of those dreams I had for Ashton. A baby boy that I could dance with with on his wedding day. A boy that would carry on the Zuehls name. Now some of you may be thinking I should just be happy to have another baby and yes I was happy I was having another baby but understand that I am still a grieving mother and at times my thoughts may seem a little off the wall.
The moment Miss Tenley Grace was born was a moment only Ashton could have helped God create. It was beautiful. It was like a bright colorful rainbow with a big pot of gold at the bottom. She was gorgeous. The instant bond I felt with her was unexplainable. She had two dimples kissed on both cheeks by Ashton and the baby I miscarried before Ashton. I embraced her and cried. I cried and cried and cried because I knew she was just what I needed and God knew this all along He knew I needed her.
Now Miss Tenley is almost 3 months old. FYI Ashton was 3 months and 2 days old when he died. Obviously this crosses my mind alot. But I have Faith, Faith that I know that Zeb and I can make it through anything. I don't know if Tenley will be here tomorrow but that will not stop me from loving her unconditionally today. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Sometimes when I'm talking to her and she starts babbling back and she looks into my eyes I cry. I cry because I know that she was a beautiful gift from God and I have a feeling that God let Ashton hand pick her out for us.
So to all of those people who thought it was a bad idea for Zeb and I to have another baby so soon after losing Ashton well come on over and see the happiness that 7 pound 12 ounce little girl has brought back into this family. She was by far the best deicision Zeb and I have ever made. We still think about Ashton everyday throughout the day but now there are a little more tears of happiness and a little less tears of sadness.
And big sister Olivia loves her sister to pieces. She talks about Ashton quite often which I love because I know she will never forget him and the impact he has made on this family. In only 3 months our little man impacted so many lives.
Why did we want another baby when it was hard to even look at a baby after losing Ashton? Our arms were so unbelievably empty. They physically hurt at times because we could no longer hold our son. Zeb and I felt that having another baby would bring back just an ounce of happiness that we lost the day Ashton died. Maybe another baby would bring a real smile to our faces again. Maybe just maybe we could feel like a family again.
The day we found out we were pregnant again we were instantly happy, sad, scared and unsure if this was the right thing to do. Actually throughout my entire pregnancay I wondered if this was the right thing for us to do. This may shock some people that I'm being so honest about this but an amazing woman told me that my honesty is what makes me such an amazing mother. Whether or not that is true I don't know but it makes me feel better when I'm doubting the decisions I have made.
So back to our "Rainbow Baby." Zeb and I decided to keep the pregnancy a secret until well I just couldn't hide it anymore. I stuck to big sweatshirts and absolutely no tight fitting clothes. So you may ask why would we want to keep it a secret so long??? Well we were trying to accept this decision ourselves why try to explain it to others. We knew people would judge us for jumping into having another baby so soon when we were still grieving. We will always grieve losing Ashton and what he may have become but we cannot let that stand in the way of having the family we always dreamed of.
The day we found out we were having a girl I cried and cried and cried because big surprise I wanted so badly wanted another baby boy. A boy that maybe could carry out some of those dreams I had for Ashton. A baby boy that I could dance with with on his wedding day. A boy that would carry on the Zuehls name. Now some of you may be thinking I should just be happy to have another baby and yes I was happy I was having another baby but understand that I am still a grieving mother and at times my thoughts may seem a little off the wall.
The moment Miss Tenley Grace was born was a moment only Ashton could have helped God create. It was beautiful. It was like a bright colorful rainbow with a big pot of gold at the bottom. She was gorgeous. The instant bond I felt with her was unexplainable. She had two dimples kissed on both cheeks by Ashton and the baby I miscarried before Ashton. I embraced her and cried. I cried and cried and cried because I knew she was just what I needed and God knew this all along He knew I needed her.
Now Miss Tenley is almost 3 months old. FYI Ashton was 3 months and 2 days old when he died. Obviously this crosses my mind alot. But I have Faith, Faith that I know that Zeb and I can make it through anything. I don't know if Tenley will be here tomorrow but that will not stop me from loving her unconditionally today. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Sometimes when I'm talking to her and she starts babbling back and she looks into my eyes I cry. I cry because I know that she was a beautiful gift from God and I have a feeling that God let Ashton hand pick her out for us.
So to all of those people who thought it was a bad idea for Zeb and I to have another baby so soon after losing Ashton well come on over and see the happiness that 7 pound 12 ounce little girl has brought back into this family. She was by far the best deicision Zeb and I have ever made. We still think about Ashton everyday throughout the day but now there are a little more tears of happiness and a little less tears of sadness.
And big sister Olivia loves her sister to pieces. She talks about Ashton quite often which I love because I know she will never forget him and the impact he has made on this family. In only 3 months our little man impacted so many lives.
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