Our "Rainbow Baby"

I will never forget someone telling me it was a bad idea to have another child so soon after losing our son. Actually I will never forget all the people who said that to me. A few of these comments actually came from grieving parents which surprised me. I thought if anyone understood why I wanted another baby so badly they would. There were times when Zeb and I felt so alone in this need to hold another baby of our own.

Why did we want another baby when it was hard to even look at a baby after losing Ashton? Our arms were so unbelievably empty. They physically hurt at times because we could no longer hold our son. Zeb and I felt that having another baby would bring back just an ounce of happiness that we lost the day Ashton died. Maybe another baby would bring a real smile to our faces again. Maybe just maybe we could feel like a family again.

The day we found out we were pregnant again we were instantly happy, sad, scared and unsure if this was the right thing to do. Actually throughout my entire pregnancay I wondered if this was the right thing for us to do. This may shock some people that I'm being so honest about this but an amazing woman told me that my honesty is what makes me such an amazing mother. Whether or not that is true I don't know but it makes me feel better when I'm doubting the decisions I have made.

So back to our "Rainbow Baby." Zeb and I decided to keep the pregnancy a secret until well I just couldn't hide it anymore. I stuck to big sweatshirts and absolutely no tight fitting clothes. So you may ask why would we want to keep it a secret so long??? Well we were trying to accept this decision ourselves why try to explain it to others. We knew people would judge us for jumping into having another baby so soon when we were still grieving. We will always grieve losing Ashton and what he may have become but we cannot let that stand in the way of having the family we always dreamed of.

The day we found out we were having a girl I cried and cried and cried because big surprise I wanted so badly wanted another baby boy. A boy that maybe could carry out some of those dreams I had for Ashton. A baby boy that I could dance with with on his wedding day. A boy that would carry on the Zuehls name. Now some of you may be thinking I should just be happy to have another baby and yes I was happy I was having another baby but understand that I am still a grieving mother and at times my thoughts may seem a little off the wall.

The moment Miss Tenley Grace was born was a moment only Ashton could have helped God create. It was beautiful. It was like a bright colorful rainbow with a big pot of gold at the bottom. She was gorgeous. The instant bond I felt with her was unexplainable. She had two dimples kissed on both cheeks by Ashton and the baby I miscarried before Ashton. I embraced her and cried. I cried and cried and cried because I knew she was just what I needed and God knew this all along He knew I needed her.

Now Miss Tenley is almost 3 months old. FYI Ashton was 3 months and 2 days old when he died. Obviously this crosses my mind alot. But I have Faith, Faith that I know that Zeb and I can make it through anything. I don't know if Tenley will be here tomorrow but that will not stop me from loving her unconditionally today. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. Sometimes when I'm talking to her and she starts babbling back and she looks into my eyes I cry. I cry because I know that she was a beautiful gift from God and I have a feeling that God let Ashton hand pick her out for us.

So to all of those people who thought it was a bad idea for Zeb and I to have another baby so soon after losing Ashton well come on over and see the happiness that 7 pound 12 ounce little girl has brought back into this family. She was by far the best deicision Zeb and I have ever made. We still think about Ashton everyday throughout the day but now there are a little more tears of happiness and a little less tears of sadness.

And big sister Olivia loves her sister to pieces. She talks about Ashton quite often which I love because I know she will never forget him and the impact he has made on this family. In only 3 months our little man impacted so many lives.