Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Beauty of a Smell

Farming is one of the hardest jobs you can have. Long hours and little pay. Often times I'm frustrated by how little I see my husband. On a busy week Zeb don't get home until earliest 10pm which at that time I'm in bed because I get up at 4am. Most events I go to whether it be a family event, community event or just dinner with friends I'm on my own with the kids. These are the times I get the most frustrated or on those days where I just need a break, sometimes its nice just to run to the gas station by yourself but those times for me are few and far between. Farming is in Zeb's blood. He loves it and I would never take that away from him. When he has a good day its fabulous!

Yesterday on one of those rare occasions Zeb spent the day with us. We had an awesome day most of which we spent at home getting a few of those things checked off on my ever growing honey do list. Then last night we were invited to the farm for a cook out. It was a beautiful day for this. At one point Zeb had to take a ride on the 4 wheeler to check the irrigation. His mom offered to watch the kids so I could ride along. I was like a little school girl all excited for a ride on the 4 wheeler with my boyfriend lol. I wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes not because I was scared but because I wanted to just enjoy the moment. With your eyes closed you take in nature through the scent. The first thing I smelled was Zeb's cologne, one he has worn since I met him. It instantly took me back 8 years ago when he took me on a 4 wheeler ride through the farm. That one was much longer than this one but at that time we didn't have 2 kids back at the farm about ready for bed. How things change in 8 years. I also smelled fresh cut hay. There is nothing better than fresh cut hay on the farm. It has such a sweet fresh smell. A smell you will never find in the city. One of the many great things about farming. I pray that one day my girls will appreciate the farm and those little things that make it worth it. Our ride together yesterday was great and slightly romantic :).

This ride and the sweet smell of fresh cut hay made me realize the reason the sense of smell is by far my favorite. Since Ashton died I can no longer feel him in my arms, I can no longer see him smile and I can no longer hear his cries and giggles. One thing I can do however is smell him. Ashton had a smell to him just like all people. I used to call him my stinky baby even though I loved his smell. When he died I remember many nights sitting in his room crying and smelling his jammies, the jammies he wore the night before he died. I just couldn't bring myself to wash them because it was the only physical thing I had left of him. I talked many times to my grievance counselor about this and she suggested putting them in a ziploc bag. I didn't know how I felt about this and as time went on I was able to wash the burp rags and blankets but could never bring myself to washing those jammies so when I prepared the room for Tenley I put those jammies in a ziploc bag in a place where any time I need to I can remember the way it felt to hold him. Only a grieving mother would understand why I did this.

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